status update

Haven't been around LJ much lately. Don't have much to say, anyway. Bullet points time.

-Definitely depressed. At least, my particular brand of depression, which is fortunately very high-functioning and undiagnosed. I'm not sad or anything. Just blank all the time. I go to work, I function perfectly normally, and then I go home and just...blank. It's hard for me to feel engaged or interested in anything. Even fandom isn't as much of a distraction as it usually is.

-Trying to quit soda, because I was drinking WAY too much of it. I'm on day six of no soda so far. Which, because I don't drink coffee or tea, means day six of no caffeine, and the withdrawal is a pain in the ass. Or, technically, a pain in the head. Nonstop caffeine headaches for six days SUCK. But oddly enough, that makes me even more committed not to slip, because I don't want to have to go through this all over again. In the long run, I'm not actually trying to cut caffeine or even soda out of my life completely -- just get it down to reasonable levels, like one or two sodas per week, instead of two or three per day. But I think going cold turkey for starters will be the easiest way for me to do that. It's also interesting to note how this is affecting my other dietary choices -- I think I've been eating healthier in general, because I've been avoiding my usual lunch stops (i.e. Subway) to avoid the soda temptation. And craving sugar less. We'll see how this works out.

-As a combined result of both of those, I've been sleeping a LOT. Which, yay for being well rested, I guess, but I don't think this is healthy. I have no motivation to do anything, and my head hurts, so I sleep instead. I have to force myself to stay awake past 8pm or so -- and seeing as my default state is to be a night owl, this is kind of worrisome. But again with the no motivation to do anything about it.

-Haven't written more than a handful of words for anything in three months. This depresses me more than I can say. Again with the just being blank on the inside.

-I am working on a Whedonverse vid, and had to forcibly interrupt it until I actually finish watching Buffy and Angel. Love Buffy to bits, still, even in the mid-season 7 slump. Have completely lost interest in Angel both as a character and a show. I think watching it just depresses me even more. But I am determined -- finally finished S3 last night, so onwards and upwards.

-Shoving the most important to the end of the list -- this weekend I'm driving up to Connecticut to say goodbye to my grandfather, who has been diagnosed with kidney failure and has less than two weeks left. I learned about this on Tuesday while at work. I'm not a mess about it. I think I should be. Maybe I will be at some as-yet-indeterminate date less than two weeks from now. Right now this just reinforces the blankness. I love Grandpa. I don't want to lose him. But he's had a long, good life, and the last few years have been so increasingly painful for him both physically and emotionally that it feels wrong to begrudge him his rest. So. Life. I dunno. I hope he holds on long enough for me to get there and say goodbye.

So that's. Yeah. I'm not really here.