this productive streak has to end soon

[kaydeefalls]

..because I really need to go to the library and do research. Like, two hours ago. Bah. Well, here we go. Again.

Title: Interference
Pairing: SA/EW, DM/BB. Orli POV.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Wherein Orli sees things he shouldn't, and tries to fix things that aren't broken.
Feedback: tastes like chicken. Only better.
Disclaimer: None of this happened. I don't know the sexuality of anyone involved.
Notes: An exercise in dialogue and having a completely relationship-free narrator. And thank you for the beta, Gabby!


"It isn't fair, mate. I mean, it just isn't right."

Elijah ran a hand through his hair. "None of your business, Orli."

"You really shouldn't be doing this," I continued doggedly. "You should--"

"Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do!" Never underestimate the scrawny guys. I didn't think Elijah had it in him to shove someone twice his height into a wall. Just goes to show. Something. Yeah. Ow.

I carefully removed his hands from my shoulders, ignoring the fists he made. "Look, Doodle, I didn't want to find out. It just happened. But I did, and it's wrong."

Another shove, but this time he was just trying to push himself away. "Fuck off." The parting blow.

"Yeah, okay," I told the empty air. Well, he hadn't really been listening, anyway.

* * * * *

"Life isn't supposed to mirror art."

"Sure it is," Dominic replied cheerfully. "S'better that way."

Billy obviously agreed. He demonstrated his agreement.

"You hobbits are too much," I muttered, looking away from the happily snogging couple. "Am I the only bloke in this entire fucking Fellowship who isn't bent?"

Dominic came up for air. "No," he said, a little breathlessly. "I think John isn't. Bent. Or anything."

"Neither is Vig-- well, actually, not too sure about him," Billy put in. "Beanie?"

"But you're queerer than a polka-dotted Kiwi, so I don't know why you--" My crumpled-up napkin hit Dominic square in the nose. He just grinned. "Hey, your aim is improving."

Billy waited exactly three point two seconds before jumping him again, just long enough to proclaim, "Must be all that archery."

I groaned and abandoned the pub table. "Way too into your characters." And they weren't the only ones.

* * * * *

"Bungee jumping."

"You're fucking kidding us, right?" Ten points to me for making Dominic almost speechless.

Elijah rolled his eyes. "Orli just wants an excuse to push me off a cliff." He slung an arm around my neck, just a little too tightly. "Ain't that so?"

"Less of the boa constrictor impression, please." When I could breathe again, I added, "C'mon, it'll be fun."

"Pushing me off a cliff?"

"A bridge, actually."

"You're both completely bonkers, you know that?" Billy sighed.

I grinned. "Bungee jumping."

"No fucking way." Still not sure why this was scaring the shit out of Dominic in particular, but it was pretty damn funny all the same.

"Ready to go, then?" I asked cheerfully, indicating my newly-rented car.

Billy shook his head. "Peter's going to have our hides for this."

"Then why are you already getting in the car?"

"Shut up and come on."

Dominic blanched. Actually fucking went white. "No."

He went willingly enough eventually, though. I don't even want to know what Billy whispered in his ear, but the color came back to his face in a rush of red, and he hopped right in the back with Billy. Elijah smirked at them and slipped in the front seat, next to me.

"Where's Astin, then?"

"Spending the day with his family," Dominic grumbled. "Also, has common sense."

I glanced over at Elijah. "Really."

The kid squirmed a little, but refused to meet my eyes.

* * * * *

I jumped first, just to prove it wouldn't kill me. It didn't. I think Elijah was disappointed. He jumped right after me.

Billy and Dominic looked like they were have a philosophical discussion up on the bridge, doubtless debating the merits of the bungee cord, the distance to the ground, and how Billy would make it up to Dominic in bed that night. Either way, it was taking a bloody long time for them to get their acts together and just fucking jump.

Elijah eyed me warily.

"I didn't push you off, did I?"

"No, you didn't." He kept his distance, though.

I folded my arms, exasperated. "Can't bloody well do anything to you down here, can I?"

"Good."

We just sort of looked at each other for a moment.

I swallowed. "Are you still--"

"Still none of your business."

"I'm your mate, and I know, so yes, it fucking is my business!"

He glowered at me.

I tried not to sound too aggressive, or whatever. "You really should tell--"

A very loud, very panicked yell (not quite scream) filled the air. Elijah and I glanced upward. Dominic had jumped, and Billy was right behind him.

Needless to say, neither of them died.

* * * * *

"Drive me home," Liv said in her best imperious-bitch voice.

"Not now, Liv."

"Yes, now," she said. "I need to get home."

I sighed. "I'm supposed to meet Bean and Viggo for some drinks tonight. They aren't out of makeup yet. Hence me standing here. And not driving you home."

She blinked at me. "They can wait. I live kinda nearby, you know."

"Yes, of course I know, because I'm your fucking chauffeur."

A hand on my arm, slender and white and dammit she knows I can't resist her. "Please, Orlando."

"Yeah, yeah, love you too," I grumbled. "Give me a second to remember where my car keys are."

"Shouldn't you have them?"

"No, I was planning on hitching a ride with Bean and Vig, like I said." Where were those fucking keys, anyway? My pockets were empty. "Can't you get one of the hobbits to drive you?"

Liv sighed dramatically. "I can't find them."

Okay, my keys were in my jacket was last seen in... "Oh, the costume trailer!"

She looked at me like I had sprouted horns. "What?"

"Keys. Hold on."

I sprinted over to the costume trailer, deftly avoiding various stumps and props and equipment. The trailer was dark, of course, but it's almost never locked because half the cast and crew are always leaving things in there, and Ngila hates to be bothered with unlocking it every time some idiot leaves his keys in a pile of costumes. Like me.

I pushed open the door and flicked on the lights, and it was already too late to notice the ragged breathing and other such noises.

"Fucking hell!" Elijah cried, scrambling for his shirt.

A soft zipping sound as Sean Astin fumbled with his trousers. "Oh, shit."

"Goddamnit!" I yelped, turning around hastily. "Not again!"

* * * * *

"What do you do when your friend is cheating on his significant other with another friend?" I blurted out.

Sean Bean and Viggo exchanged a look. "Can I ask who?" Viggo asked.

"You just did. And no."

Bean took a sip of his ale. "Well, I'm fairly certain you don't have a significant other, since you broke up with that long-distance girlfriend of yours last month, so that rules you out."

"I said it was a friend!"

"Don't they all?"

"Boys, boys," Viggo chided. We both glared at him. All right, maybe Bean had more reason to be offended than I did, but still. Viggo just smiled. "I think you should leave it be."

"What?"

Bean nodded. "If you're not involved, then it's none of your business."

"But they're my friends!"

Viggo shrugged. "Then trust them to work it out for themselves."

"Hmph." I downed the rest of my ale in one gulp. "Fat lot of good you two are. Filthy humans."

* * * * *

"Astin."

He didn't look at me. "Leave off, I'm late for Feet."

"Then you can be two minutes later."

"No, I can't."

I grabbed his arm. "Yes, you can. I need to talk to you."

He may be the, ah, sturdiest of the hobbits, but I've still got a good six inches on him, and the menacing glower just wasn't working on me. "It has nothing to do with you, Orlando."

"People keep telling me that, but it really does."

"No, it doesn't. Just because you walked in on us--"

"Twice," I reminded him.

Boy, if looks could kill.... "Twice, but it doesn't mean you're involved."

"You're cheating on your wife." I tried to keep the exasperation out of my voice, and failed. "Fuck, I know Christine! I like her! So I'm just supposed to stand around and...do nothing? While you shag Elijah behind her back?"

"Since when did you grow morals?" I never thought Sean was capable of hissing. But. He is. Good to know.

"Since you lost yours."

Sean might very well have punched me if I hadn't snatched his wrists preemptively. "Let go of me, Orlando."

I did. Because he really was late for Feet, and all. "You should tell her."

"You don't understand. And don't pretend to."

"I don't want to understand. I want you to do what's right."

The bastard actually smirked at me. "You've missed your calling, Orli. You should've been a politician."

"Yeah, fuck you, too."

"No thanks. And do me a favor, will you? Stop harassing Elijah. My marriage, my baggage, I'll deal with it."

"But you aren't dealing with it!" Not that it mattered, because he had already walked away. "And I don't harass Elijah."

* * * * *

"Maybe Chris knows already."

I blinked at the unexpected remark. "What?"

"Maybe she knows already," Dominic repeated.

"How do you know about them, anyway?"

"No secrets among hobbits."

Billy wandered over with a trayful of lunch. "Secrets?"

"Sean and Elijah," Dominic explained.

"Oh, that? That's no secret. It's bloody obvious."

Dominic nodded. "That too."

I stared at them, then at my half-eaten lunch.

"S'all right, mate." Dominic patted my shoulder. "Just life mirroring art. A bit weird, but I think Christine understands."

"Have you ever asked her?" I demanded. Dominic and Billy exchanged a look, but didn't reply.

* * * * *

"Elijah, do you have a second?"

"No. They need me on set."

"When?"

"Three minutes ago."

"Are you hobbits always late for everything?" I grumbled.

A rare Elijah grin. Well, rare for me nowadays. "Yes."

"Does Christine know?"

The grin was gone. "Just leave me alone. Please."

"I want to know."

"When will you figure out that it's none. Of. Your. Fucking. Business."

At the last second, I remembered that I had my wig on and couldn't run my hands through my (short) hair. "I just don't get it."

He did not strangle me. I could tell that he wanted to, but he didn't. An encouraging sign. "Get what?"

"You and Sean. You're both such decent people, usually. You've never done a truly mean thing in your lives, neither of you. So, why this?"

"You're right," Elijah said. "You don't get it. You don't know what our shoots are like. You're Legolas the emotionless fighting machine. You don't know what Mordor is like, or how filming just gets worse and worse. You don't need someone to hold on to just to get through the day. You don't need anyone. I do. All right?"

I wanted to tell him that it still wasn't right, but I knew he wouldn't listen.

* * * * *

"Orlando! Do you know if Sean is almost ready to go?"

My mouth went dry. "Christine? What are you doing here?"

She smiled. "It's our anniversary today. I thought I'd surprise Sean by picking him up and taking him to dinner."

"Oh."

She must have misread the expression on my face. "Oh, I found a sitter for Ally, she'll be fine."

"That's good." Don't panic, Bloom. Just find Sean before she does. "Um, I'll go see if he's finished, just wait here."

It took every iota of self-restraint I had not to break into a run.

But the trailer door swung open of its own accord. "Chris!" Sean said, delighted.

"Sean!" She ran up to give him a kiss. "Oh, hello Elijah."

"Hi." Elijah smiled and stepped aside.

"What are you doing here?" Sean asked, and she laughed and linked her arm through his. Elijah's face was the picture of serenity as he looked on.

* * * * *

"I give up!"

"That's good." Bean nodded approvingly. "Give up what?"

I waved my hands around vaguely. "Them. Me. Understanding. Interfering. Whatever."

"Ah." He eyed me critically. "Have another drink."

I did.

THE END