::whistles innocently::

[kaydeefalls]

I'm not on crack. Really I'm not. Much.

Title: Shagging Orli
Pairing: DM/OB, in its own, special way.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Dom wants to shag Orli. In case you hadn't guessed.
Feedback: yum, feedback. Good stuff, that.
Disclaimer: None of this happened. I don't know the sexuality of anyone involved.
Notes: kaydee's own, personalized brand of crack!fic. Since I'm such a dialogue whore, why not have a fic with ONLY dialogue? Sounds cool, right? ::watches everyone back away slowly:: Um, yes... And thank ye kindly, Gabby!


"You want to shag Orli?"

"Well, yeah. Why so surprised? I mean, who wouldn't?"

"Dom."

"What?"

"Dommie."

"Don't call me that."

"Why Orli?"

"Christ, Billy, just look at him!"

"I have. On several occasions."

"And you don't want to shag him?"

"Not particularly."

"Never felt a burning desire to jump his bones?"

"Your desire's burning, now, is it? Don't think that's natural. You better get that checked."

"Screw you."

"You've been hanging about Elijah too long. You're starting to sound like a bloody Yank."

"Oh, sod off. I'm serious."

"So am I! Stupid American expressions. Uncultured swine, they are."

"Billy!"

"Hmmm?"

"Shut up for half a second!"

"So you can blather on about shagging Orli? Or, rather, the burning desire therein?"

"Er...well...yeah."

"Dommie?"

"Don't call me that."

"Get a life."

"I have a life! It just happens to revolve around shagging Orli."

"Have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Shagged him."

"No. But I think about it a lot."

"Mmm."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"Billy..."

"Dommie."

"For fuck's sake, Bill, you know I hate that nickname!"

"I know."

"So why do you--"

"If I can annoy you half as much as you annoy me, it'll all be worthwhile."

"Remind me never to start a conversation with you again."

"Is that a promise?"

"Oh, leave me alone."

"I can't. I'm stuck up here in the same bloody tree you're in."

"How long until break's over and they come back for us?"

"Fifteen more minutes, maybe?"

"Fuck. I'm horny."

"I noticed."

"Shut up."

"Why don't you ask him?"

"Ask who what?"

"Ask Orli if he would shag you."

"That's bloody brilliant, Billy. Why did I never think of that? Oh, wait, that's right, because it's the stupidest fucking idea on earth."

"Sounds like business as usual with you, Dommie."

"Oh, sod off."

* * * * *

"You want to fuck Orli?"

"No, I want to shag him."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Yes, but 'shag' sounds better. You Americans are so fucking crude."

"..."

"Shut up, Elijah."

"I didn't say anything!"

"You didn't have to. Wait, how do you know about my...thing for Orli, anyway?"

"What, the fact that you want to fuck him?"

"Shag, dammit!"

"Whatever. Um..."

"Did Billy tell you? I swear, I'm bloody well going to kill that Scot..."

"Well, maybe he did, yeah, but it's pretty obvious."

"Obvious?"

"Dude, you stare at him all the time."

"I don't stare at Billy. Except when I'm plotting to kill him, but, you know..."

"Orli, you jerk. You stare at Orli."

"Why does that make me a jerk?"

"It doesn't. It makes you a creepy stalker-type person."

"Well, say what you mean, then."

"From now on, I will."

"...I am not a creepy stalker-type person!"

"But you do stare at Orli."

"Maybe."

"You do."

"Sometimes."

"All the freaking time."

"Well, wouldn't you?"

"Um. No?"

"He's fucking gorgeous, mate."

"Yeah. So?"

"..."

"I'm not a fucking fairy like you!"

"Lij."

"Well, maybe I am. But still."

"See? It's not just me!"

"But Dom, just because I think the guy's as hot as Josh Hartnett doesn't mean I want to fuck him."

"Shag him."

"That too."

"Wait, since when is Josh Hartnett the standard for hotness?"

"Um."

"Lij..."

"Okay, so you know that Faculty flick I was in? Have I ever told you about the time--"

"You know what? I don't want to know."

"Good. Anyway. Why do you want to fuck -- I mean, shag Orli?"

"Fuck, just look at him!"

"So, basically you're telling me that you'd shag anything that you deem attractive."

"I wouldn't put it quite like that..."

"Would you shag me?"

"Elijah Wood, are you propositioning me?"

"Yeah, fuck you too. I meant theoretically."

"Theoretically? You're cute, but let's face it: there's cute, and then there's Orli."

"So ask him to shag you."

"Lij!"

"Or, you know, if he'd let you shag him, whatever's your fancy."

"I didn't ask for your advice."

"That's okay. Just for you, I'm giving it away for free."

"I'm touched."

"It's 'cause I love you."

"Actually, scratch that. You're touched. In the head."

"Aw, I didn't know you cared."

* * * * *

"So, I hear you want to shag Orli."

"Sean!"

"What? No secrets among hobbits."

"Yeah, but...oh, forget it."

"It's true, then?"

"Who told you?"

"Elijah."

"Figures."

"And Billy."

"Goddamn it, I'm never telling that bastard anything. Ever again."

"Okay. Want my advice?"

"On Billy or Orli?"

"I figure you're already plotting revenge on Billy, so Orli."

"No."

"Too bad. As resident big brother--"

"Who died and declared you dictator?"

"Huh?"

"Ever read 1984?"

"It's been a while."

"Oh, never mind, then. You were saying?"

"Right. As resident big brother, I reserve the right to offer advice on everything and anything."

"Including safety issues."

"Including, but not limited to, safety issues."

"Does Orli qualify as a safety issue?"

"Uh, no. Don't think so."

"Sorry, don't think you're authorized to give me advice on him, then."

"Ahem. 'Including, but NOT LIMITED TO, safety issues.'"

"Look, could you go do your big brother thing to Elijah, and leave me out of it?"

"He stopped listening to me ages ago."

"Smart lad."

"I don't think you should sleep with Orli, Dom."

"That's your advice?"

"That's my advice."

"You're almost as bad at giving advice as Billy and Elijah, you know that?"

"What was their advice?"

"To go ask Orli."

"You could do that. That would be logical."

"I thought you didn't want me to sleep with him."

"Whoa, since when does talking to a person equal having sex with them?"

"It doesn't."

"So, you could still ask him. Just don't actually hook up with the guy."

"Wait, but wouldn't the logical follow-up of me asking Orli for a shag be the shagging itself?"

"Not necessarily."

"Then what's the point of asking?"

"I don't know. I just think it would be a bad idea for you to sleep with him."

"Why?"

"People might get hurt."

"I knew it! You're trying to turn Orli into a safety issue!"

"Very funny."

"Who could possibly get hurt?"

"People."

"Oh, well, of course, now it's all clear."

"Cut the sarcasm. I'm serious. It's a complicated situation."

"How so?"

"It just is, okay?"

"You stopped making sense about five minutes ago."

"Oh, screw this, I'm needed on set. But it's a bad idea."

"Whatever you say, Sean."

* * * * *

"What's up, Orli?"

"Nothing much. You?"

"Uh, yeah, same. I mean, me neither. Nothing much. Yeah. Mind if I join you?"

"Go ahead. Want a beer?"

"Sure, sounds great."

"So."

"So."

"Dom?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you nervous as hell?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Uh, might have something to do with the way you can't sit still for two seconds."

"Says the Energizer Bunny himself."

"Yeah, but it's different. You know. What's up?"

"Er, well, it's nothing, really. I mean, it's kind of stupid. Or. Yeah. Nothing. Never mind."

"Okay then. Drink your beer. You look like you need it."

"Oh. Right."

"Can I guess?"

"Guess? Guess what?"

"Why you're so nervous."

"Er..."

"Look, Dom, word gets around."

"Oh."

"It's no big deal, really."

"Who told you?"

"Like I said, word gets around. It's a small Fellowship, right?"

"What have you heard, then?"

"That you're, uh, interested in me."

"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's pretty accurate."

"Look, it's okay. I won't be all weird about it or anything. No big deal."

"Right. Do you want to -- I mean, would you... could we...?"

"I don't think so. I'm sorry. Really. You're a great mate and all, but..."

"Oh. All right. No problem."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm kind of, uh, involved with someone already, you know?"

"Sure. I understand. No big deal."

"Right, no big deal. Look, I'll catch you later, okay?"

* * * * *

"Hey, Dom."

"Mph."

"Drowning your sorrows?"

"Go away, Lij."

"How many beers does it take you to get drunk?"

"More than this."

"Not much more."

"Give me back my beer, Elijah."

"Mmm, nah, don't think that's a good idea."

"Hey. HEY! I didn't say you could drink it! That was mine!"

"Mine, my own, my precious..."

"You creep me out when you do that, have I ever told you?"

"Glad to hear it. Seriously, why are you trying to get piss drunk?"

"Mph."

"Orli rejected your advances?"

"Go away."

"You know, being drunk won't solve anything."

"You're just saying that 'cause you're too young to drink. Legally, anyway."

"No, I'm serious. In the morning, you'll still be not-shagging-Orli, plus you'll have a hangover."

"Go the fuck away already!"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Mph."

"Sorry about Orli, though."

"I'll survive."

"I know."

"...Elijah?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not going away."

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Just thinking."

"..."

"Don't give me that look. I do, on occasion, think."

"Anything you say, Lij."

"Fuck you. Anyway, I know there's cute and then there's Orli..."

"Look, I'm sorry about that. Didn't mean to offend you or anything."

"No problem."

"You were saying...?"

"Would you shag me?"

"...What?"

"Would. You. Shag. Me."

"Haven't I heard this somewhere before?"

"Seriously, though."

"..."

"Dom?"

"Yeah, all right."

* * * * *

"Hey, Orli."

"Hey, Billy."

"Did Dommie ask you, then?"

"Yeah."

"What did you tell him?"

"Thanks but no thanks."

"Ouch."

"He'll get over it."

"Aye, he's a resilient bloke."

"Yeah. So, your place or mine tonight?"

THE END

Yeah, I should cut down on that crack...