If Harry Potter were directed by...
Jul. 23rd, 2002 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaydeefalls
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cassieclaire started these, and now some friends and I have been bouncing them around. So, might as well post 'em here, right? ;)
If Harry Potter were directed by...
...Baz Lurhmann:
Ewan MacGregor plays Harry as a sunny and poetic soul who falls tragically in love with Draco Malfoy, a can-can-dancing prostitute afflicted with Tragic Fanfiction Wasting Disease, in which he gets better and better looking until he finally dies of being so very attractive. Ron spends the film sulking inside an elephant until he is finally shot to death by Leonardo diCaprio, bitter over being turned down for the role of Ginny Weasley.
(cassieclaire)
...M. Night Shyamalan:
Harry (played by Bruce Willis) finds out at the end of the movie that actually Hogwarts and the wizarding world are entirely imaginary; in fact, the Dursleys have been slipping hallucinogenic mushrooms into his digestive biscuits all this time in an attempt to drive him insane so that the authorities will take him away. In retaliation, Harry locks Dudley in a closet with Haley Joel Osment.
(cassieclaire)
...Merchant-Ivory:
Harry (played by Maggie Smith), Ron, and Hermione spend the entire film decorating Hogwarts in period fashion. A great deal of tea is drunk and the local vicar is paid a visit. An enormous scandal breaks out when it is discovered that Draco is faking his English accent. Harry tells Draco he is not a gentleman and as a result Draco commits suicide with a croquet mallet. Everyone else eventually turns up dead, gay or in league with the Nazis.
(cassieclaire)
...Ron Howard:
The film is too boring to actually watch. Fortunately, a down-and-dirty Oscar campaign ensures that Harry’s bisexuality and Anti-Muggle activities are swept under the carpet. Also, Ron turns out to have been entirely imaginary. No one is sorry.
(cassieclaire)
...Peter Jackson:
Harry would be played by Elijah Wood. Dumbledore, played by Sir Ian McKellan (don't kill me if i spelled that wrong) passes down to him, a magical ring once owned by his late father. Indeed, in book three, he learns that the treacherous Peter Petigrew (played by the dude who played a psychopath in X-files once) had lost the evil ring of the Dark Lord(s) to James Potter, and followed him about ever since, trying to get it back and saying things like "We wants it". Now, here I'd like to make Dominic Monaghan play Ron, his closest friend who would follow him to the ends of the earth, but alas, I think that Sean Astin should do the honors and Hermione Rosie Granger, played by Liv Tyler, will be the tagalong girl. The fellowship: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Cedric (played by Sean Bean; later killed by repeated hits with the Avra Kadaver curse), Hagrid (played by the dude who plays gimli except digitally enlarged), Dumbledore, Percy (played by Orlando Bloom in a wig; much prancing required for part) and the Weasley Twins (played by Dominic and Billy; comic relief). They journey to Durmstrang, making a quick stop at Snape's cellars, with Dumbledore looking deathly ominious all the while. Meanwhile, Fred and George continue to set of Filibuster's fireworks to attract giant spiders and three-headed dogs. Umm, Malfoy makes a cameo as the blond elvish dude smooching Percy behind the snowdrift. Let's see. Everyone gets split up, Harry succumbs to the ring, but finds the strength to destroy it when Ron proclaims his love to him. Consequently, Hermione and Fred (Dominic) jump into the fires of Mount Doom. All is happy again.
(suggested by Tari Gwaemir, written by Tash)
...Mel Brooks:
Naive young Harry Potter (played by Gene Wilder) and his wacky cohorts Ron (the dashing Cary Elwes) and Hermione (Madeline Kahn) must somehow save Hogwarts from an unspecified evil curse. Said curse was probably cast by the villainous Voldemort, who is Harry's father's brother's uncle's cousin's former roommate. Under the guidance of the wise-yet-goofy Professor Albus Dumblestein (Mel Brooks), Harry finally learns to call upon the Schwartz to defeat Voldemort and save the day (accompanied by much singing and dancing). Highlights include Hagrid's (Marty Feldman) instruction to "Walk this way" and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans (matzah ball, kreplach, hammentashen...).
(mine)
...James Cameron:
In this tragic tale of star-crossed passions and an enormous motherfucker of a castle, Harry (Leonardo DiCaprio) completely forgets about all that Voldemort/evil stuff in his love for Hermione (Kate Winslet). There is a lot of angst and some sex in motorcars. Draco (Billy Zane) is really pissed about something, but he's so pretty that we can't really tell which lover he's jealous of. Probably Hermione. Ron (that Italian guy) provides something resembling comic relief, but fortunately Hogwarts collides with a fruit fly (transformed into a huge floating iceburg by Voldemort, who's been getting away with a whole lotta shit while Harry was otherwise occupied) and, in a stunning bit of computer-generated special effects, Hogwarts is reduced to a pile of rubble. The movie sweeps the Academy Awards, but under later analysis, few theatergoers can actually admit to having liked it.
(mine)
...George Lucas:
The action is removed to long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Everything else is exactly the same.
(mine)
...Steven Spielberg:
Harry is a robotic boy played by Haley Joel Osment. Harry's aunt and uncle bought him after Dudley took deathly ill. Unfortunately, after imprinting on him, they found out that Dudley made a full recovery and after repeated attempts to kill each other, Harry's aunt leaves him in he forest to fend for himself. (misplaced modifier. i know. deal with it) There he meets a robot jigilo named.....Severus Snape. They journey to the depths of the ocean and just when it all seems like the end, E.T. comes to rescue them. Harry dreams of his dead mother and father and lives in his memories for ever and ever and ever and ever and....
(Tash)
::whistles innocently::
Btw, "Dr. Strangelove" is a tad overrated.
cassieclaire started these, and now some friends and I have been bouncing them around. So, might as well post 'em here, right? ;)If Harry Potter were directed by...
...Baz Lurhmann:
Ewan MacGregor plays Harry as a sunny and poetic soul who falls tragically in love with Draco Malfoy, a can-can-dancing prostitute afflicted with Tragic Fanfiction Wasting Disease, in which he gets better and better looking until he finally dies of being so very attractive. Ron spends the film sulking inside an elephant until he is finally shot to death by Leonardo diCaprio, bitter over being turned down for the role of Ginny Weasley.
(
cassieclaire)...M. Night Shyamalan:
Harry (played by Bruce Willis) finds out at the end of the movie that actually Hogwarts and the wizarding world are entirely imaginary; in fact, the Dursleys have been slipping hallucinogenic mushrooms into his digestive biscuits all this time in an attempt to drive him insane so that the authorities will take him away. In retaliation, Harry locks Dudley in a closet with Haley Joel Osment.
(
cassieclaire)...Merchant-Ivory:
Harry (played by Maggie Smith), Ron, and Hermione spend the entire film decorating Hogwarts in period fashion. A great deal of tea is drunk and the local vicar is paid a visit. An enormous scandal breaks out when it is discovered that Draco is faking his English accent. Harry tells Draco he is not a gentleman and as a result Draco commits suicide with a croquet mallet. Everyone else eventually turns up dead, gay or in league with the Nazis.
(
cassieclaire)...Ron Howard:
The film is too boring to actually watch. Fortunately, a down-and-dirty Oscar campaign ensures that Harry’s bisexuality and Anti-Muggle activities are swept under the carpet. Also, Ron turns out to have been entirely imaginary. No one is sorry.
(
cassieclaire)...Peter Jackson:
Harry would be played by Elijah Wood. Dumbledore, played by Sir Ian McKellan (don't kill me if i spelled that wrong) passes down to him, a magical ring once owned by his late father. Indeed, in book three, he learns that the treacherous Peter Petigrew (played by the dude who played a psychopath in X-files once) had lost the evil ring of the Dark Lord(s) to James Potter, and followed him about ever since, trying to get it back and saying things like "We wants it". Now, here I'd like to make Dominic Monaghan play Ron, his closest friend who would follow him to the ends of the earth, but alas, I think that Sean Astin should do the honors and Hermione Rosie Granger, played by Liv Tyler, will be the tagalong girl. The fellowship: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Cedric (played by Sean Bean; later killed by repeated hits with the Avra Kadaver curse), Hagrid (played by the dude who plays gimli except digitally enlarged), Dumbledore, Percy (played by Orlando Bloom in a wig; much prancing required for part) and the Weasley Twins (played by Dominic and Billy; comic relief). They journey to Durmstrang, making a quick stop at Snape's cellars, with Dumbledore looking deathly ominious all the while. Meanwhile, Fred and George continue to set of Filibuster's fireworks to attract giant spiders and three-headed dogs. Umm, Malfoy makes a cameo as the blond elvish dude smooching Percy behind the snowdrift. Let's see. Everyone gets split up, Harry succumbs to the ring, but finds the strength to destroy it when Ron proclaims his love to him. Consequently, Hermione and Fred (Dominic) jump into the fires of Mount Doom. All is happy again.
(suggested by Tari Gwaemir, written by Tash)
...Mel Brooks:
Naive young Harry Potter (played by Gene Wilder) and his wacky cohorts Ron (the dashing Cary Elwes) and Hermione (Madeline Kahn) must somehow save Hogwarts from an unspecified evil curse. Said curse was probably cast by the villainous Voldemort, who is Harry's father's brother's uncle's cousin's former roommate. Under the guidance of the wise-yet-goofy Professor Albus Dumblestein (Mel Brooks), Harry finally learns to call upon the Schwartz to defeat Voldemort and save the day (accompanied by much singing and dancing). Highlights include Hagrid's (Marty Feldman) instruction to "Walk this way" and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans (matzah ball, kreplach, hammentashen...).
(mine)
...James Cameron:
In this tragic tale of star-crossed passions and an enormous motherfucker of a castle, Harry (Leonardo DiCaprio) completely forgets about all that Voldemort/evil stuff in his love for Hermione (Kate Winslet). There is a lot of angst and some sex in motorcars. Draco (Billy Zane) is really pissed about something, but he's so pretty that we can't really tell which lover he's jealous of. Probably Hermione. Ron (that Italian guy) provides something resembling comic relief, but fortunately Hogwarts collides with a fruit fly (transformed into a huge floating iceburg by Voldemort, who's been getting away with a whole lotta shit while Harry was otherwise occupied) and, in a stunning bit of computer-generated special effects, Hogwarts is reduced to a pile of rubble. The movie sweeps the Academy Awards, but under later analysis, few theatergoers can actually admit to having liked it.
(mine)
...George Lucas:
The action is removed to long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Everything else is exactly the same.
(mine)
...Steven Spielberg:
Harry is a robotic boy played by Haley Joel Osment. Harry's aunt and uncle bought him after Dudley took deathly ill. Unfortunately, after imprinting on him, they found out that Dudley made a full recovery and after repeated attempts to kill each other, Harry's aunt leaves him in he forest to fend for himself. (misplaced modifier. i know. deal with it) There he meets a robot jigilo named.....Severus Snape. They journey to the depths of the ocean and just when it all seems like the end, E.T. comes to rescue them. Harry dreams of his dead mother and father and lives in his memories for ever and ever and ever and ever and....
(Tash)
::whistles innocently::
Btw, "Dr. Strangelove" is a tad overrated.
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Date: 2002-07-24 03:42 am (UTC)