that was oddly cathartic to write up

[kaydeefalls]

So I have a roommate. It is very much her apartment, I just happen to live in it too. This is fine. Her house, her rules. There are many rules. I follow them all without argument. The apartment is nice and the rent is cheap, whatever, I can deal. I'm both quiet and clean, and I keep shared spaces tidy by nature, because that's just common courtesy in my books.

She's...the sort of person who should probably never share a space with anyone else, because she is anal beyond belief. She talks sometimes about her "future husband" (she's single and not seeing anyone at the moment), and I kind of cringe -- not because I don't think she could ever meet someone, because she's attractive and a decent human being and stuff, but because no living heterosexual male would ever be able to follow her house rules to her satisfaction.

I am not going to discuss the rules, because I follow them as instructed and they're not formalized or particularly interesting. But I found it strangely therapeutic to make a list of all the UNSPOKEN rules that I have broken at some point in the past four months and been reprimanded about. (None of these are repeat offenses; once she tells me "don't do that", I don't do that again.)

So:

THINGS I HAVE DONE WRONG, according to my roommate: an ongoing compilation
-Did not push my chair all the way back in to the table when I was done sitting it
-Left a light on in my bedroom while eating dinner in the living room
-Didn't wring ALL the water out of the kitchen sponge after washing dishes
-Didn't push the soap dispenser all the way back against the wall after washing dishes
-Didn't scrape all the tiny food bits out of the kitchen sink strainer thingy immediately after washing dishes
-Knocked the kitchen sink strainer thingy against the inside of the garbage can to knock all the tiny food bits out
-Bought new dish soap instead of refilling the empty bottle with existing dish soap (kept amongst the 30,000 supplies under the sink) that I didn't see
-Didn't clean out the bathtub drain after every single shower
-Didn't refill the Britta water filter to the top after pouring one glass of water out of an otherwise full pitcher
-Left a bowl and a mug in the dish drainer to dry on a day she decided to clean
-Didn't take out the recycling immediately when it was "full" by some unknown metric of her deciding that did not actually involve the bin being full
-After taking out recycling, put fresh garbage bag in bin on a day she decided to clean (because obvs she was going to clean the inside of the recycling bin so putting a new bag in made more work for her? although taking out trash without putting a new trash bag in would otherwise be a cardinal sin)
-Threw out a Chipotle container into trash instead of recycling (in fairness, she was right; I didn't realize that tin top was recyclable. just not sure it warranted a passive-aggressive note on the kitchen counter)
-Didn't fold up empty cereal box into tiniest possible contortion before putting it in recycling bin
-Cleaned bathtub with tile cleaner/all purpose cleaner instead of Comet
-"Please check the garbage container in the bathroom and rethink how you dispose of sanitary napkins", sent as text; to this day I still have no idea what I did wrong (I decided maybe the garbage can was "full" by that same unknown metric of her deciding, so took out the trash, but I don't think that's what she meant)
-Didn't empty out the vacuum cleaner filter immediately after using vacuum once on my tiny bedroom rug
-Didn't give her warning in advance the one day out of the past four months that my work schedule was weird and I wound up getting up right around the same time as her, even though I immediately offered to let her use the bathroom first and withdrew without complaint until she was done

I think perhaps I shall continue recording additions to this list as they arise. So that I can refer back to it whenever I may be in danger of Doing Something Wrong, and can cross-reference. I'm also almost definitely missing things that I've just forgotten about.

It should be noted that for some of these items -- the chair thing, the soap dispenser thing -- she phrased her complaint as "I was waiting a few days to see if you'd notice, but you're still doing X, so..." Because when I don't realize I'm doing something wrong, waiting to see if I'll magically intuit that I'm doing something wrong is OBVIOUSLY the best course of action, and therefore I am doubly wrong for not reading her mind and figuring it out for myself.

Am I completely crazy in thinking this is just a wee bit anal?

Comments

[vanessarama]

You are not crazy, she is nuts. OK, there are a couple of things in there I classify as "overly fussy, but not nuts" but most of it is just ridiculous. In fact, I am still trying to work out what's "wrong" with some of them.

[kaydeefalls]

I feel like any of these things taken on its own could just be seen as fussy or quirky; it's just that there are so MANY of them. >_

[king_touchy]

Just a wee bit anal like the Titanic was a wee bit of a fender bender. I'd last less than twenty minutes in her house.

[kaydeefalls]

HA, well put. It's...frustrating, to feel like I'm constantly treading on thin ice in my own home.

[king_touchy]

That's the thing, though, It isn't your home because she won't allow it. :-(

[princessofgeeks]

I have no idea how you put up with this. I could not. This is absolutely ridiculous. Wow. I'm speechless. How can you stand it?

[kaydeefalls]

I guess because it's not concentrated? I mean, it'll be one new thing every week or so, but never a bunch at once, so most of the time, I just avoid her. She's always in her room when she's home, apart from cooking or cleaning; I stay in mine. But it has gotten to the point where her ONLY interactions with me are to tell me some new thing I've done wrong, and that makes me dread being home when I know she is. Fortunately, our schedules are different enough that we mainly only overlap at night.

[pocketmouse]

Yeah, if she was living with me, someone would be cleaning up blood.

Especially the whole 'waiting for you to notice' thing.

[kaydeefalls]

Urg. There's really nothing I can do about it but move out, and I'm not keen on having to apartment-hunt AGAIN after only four months.

[via_ostiense]

-Knocked the kitchen sink strainer thingy against the inside of the garbage can to knock all the tiny food bits out

How else are you supposed to get them out?

[troisroyaumes]

Yeah, wondering the same!

[kaydeefalls]

Scrape it out with a paper towel, of course! DUH.

It's kind of funny, actually, because after she told me that one, I had a total lightbulb moment of OH! THAT'S WHY WE BURN THROUGH PAPER TOWELS SO FUCKING FAST. Because she's using one after every single time she washes dishes! Which I think is wasteful as hell, but whatever. (I still knock it against the garbage can when I know she's not home.)

[kaydeefalls]

Scrape it out with a paper towel, of course! DUH.

It's kind of funny, actually, because after she told me that one, I had a total lightbulb moment of OH! THAT'S WHY WE BURN THROUGH PAPER TOWELS SO FUCKING FAST. Because she's using one after every single time she washes dishes! Which I think is wasteful as hell, but whatever. (I still knock it against the garbage can when I know she's not home.)

[ignipes]

Oh my goodness. I thought was my s-i-l was obnoxiously fussy about household things the time I got a lecture about which specific knives to use for cutting specific vegetables, but your roommate is SO MUCH WORSE.

[kaydeefalls]

That doesn't sound like much of a party, either. UGH, OTHER PEOPLE.

[lutamira]

this is amazing. you should def. keep a running list and update us from time to time... :) I wonder what her family is like. {sorry you have to deal with this everyday]

[kaydeefalls]

Ugh, I don't even know.

[settiai]

Wow. Just, wow. :-/

[kaydeefalls]

Pretty much, yeah.

[cesare]

Future husband? No one on earth would ever put up with that indefinitely. Maybe if they were doing femdom. :P

Are you her first roommate? I get the impression when people are this anal, the issue isn't really that they're so persnickety, it's that they don't want someone else in their space but they can't afford to not have a roommate, and they're finding stupid ways to express that.

[kaydeefalls]

SHE'S BEEN LIVING WITH OTHER ROOMMATES FOR TEN YEARS. She's told me stories about some of them! She's not new to this! I have no idea if she's like this with everyone or if she's just taking some kind of particular disliking to me for no apparent reason, since we never interact apart from the criticisms.

[cesare]

Ugggggggh. I'm really sorry. For you and all those other roommates!!

[fiercynn]

ugh, this is the WORST. Most of these unspoken rules are ridiculous in and of themselves - at least, ridiculous for her to send passive-aggressive texts and notes about - but combined it just sounds absurd. Is there any way you can get out of this living situation?

[kaydeefalls]

Yeah, individually, each one is a bit picky but whatever -- it's only when I sat down and typed up this list that I realized, no, there really is a reason this is driving me up a wall.

I can move out. Which means another round of apartment-hunting, which is even worse than usual in NYC, and no guarantee that my next living situation will be any better. I mean, I'd rather have passive-aggressive OCD than, y'know, someone who doesn't pay rent or has parties at all hours or is a total slob. And I cannot afford a studio or 1-br in this city.

[fiercynn]

well, I totally understand not wanting to move again because moving sucks, but if it's at all helpful, I have some friends (former roommates, so I can mostly vouch for them, haha) who might be looking moving to NYC in a few months? I can keep you posted if that's something you're interested in?

[kaydeefalls]

Hey, sure! Since I doubt I'll be getting out of this place in the immediate future, that could totally be helpful!

[msilverstar]

You are a fucking saint to put up with all that. Somebody should have given her some limits when she was growing up!

[kaydeefalls]

I don't even know, man. :/

[jeeps]

good lord.

[kaydeefalls]

Pretty much, yeah.

[jeeps]

I was actually in a similar situation to this once for which I still harbour resentment, and it wasn't as extreme as this. you must have the patience of a saint.

[secondsilk]

It is definitely her, not you. I would get into odd fights with one housemate because I let my dirty dishes stack up before running a whole sink of water to wash them and he would never, ever squash cartons down to put them in the bin. Also he insisted vacuuming the bathroom before mopping it. So, I'm sure we each kind of hating living with the other, but mostly we just put up with each other. And there were no notes, especially not passive-aggressive ones.

Like, seriously, wrt the position of the dish liquid and the chair, she can fix those herself. Wrt the spare dish liquid, the note can come from a place of helpfulness.

[kaydeefalls]

Everyone's got their pet peeves, and I do my best to accomodate other people's, because I don't want to be an asshole. But jesus christ on a pogo stick, this is getting ridiculous.