insert subject line here.
Jun. 22nd, 2014 07:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaydeefalls
So it was my birthday last week, and that's a thing that happened. I've had kind of a shitty week due to work-related crap, and my brain is doing that detached-and-lonely thing that is my version of depression, but none of that is at all birthday-related. For my birthday I saw Macbeth at the Armory -- the one with Kenneth Branagh and River Song Alex Kingston, and that was pretty darn nifty. I had some issues with the production, but it was visually STUNNING, and also, y'know, Kenneth Branagh and Shakespeare and live, so, kind of hard to complain. So that was cool.
Work crap: basically, my boss sat me down for a lecture about not being on top of my shit, which I can't exactly argue with, and then point blank asked me if there was anything going on to explain why I've been absent-minded lately. And I just kinda froze up, because the truth is: I have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, because I've never spoken with anyone professional about it at all (which is because I'm very high-functional and have a lot of internalized embarrassment/hate to ask for help/etc etc etc), but I do have cycles of some form of depression, and I've been on a low swing for a few weeks now, and for me that manifests in a sort of...detached numbness, I guess is the best way to put it? It's hard for me to care about anything. And that means I'm...distracted. It's hard for me to focus on anything. The worst low swing I've ever dealt with was back when I was still in D.C., and at that point I was working at least two jobs at any given time and kept myself busy enough that it just looked like stress to outsiders, and frankly my stage management work was the only thing that made me feel even a little bit happy, so I was able to maintain focus enough that it never affected my job performance. (My other job, as receptionist, was so dull and easy that I could do it in my sleep, so lack of focus didn't make the slightest bit of difference -- as long as I greeted everyone with a smile, no one noticed.)
But right now I'm working only one job, which is generally only about 30 hours a week, and that I'm not really happy with anymore (enjoy working with kids, very frustrated with the office culture and politics), so I've been...slipping. Tech week aside, I'm not quite busy enough to keep the adrenaline flowing in a way that counteracts the depression, and I'm unhappy enough with some of the people I work with that my brain decides to avoid it by...well, avoiding thinking about it, which makes me just a little bit too sloppy and disengaged in the workplace and that leads to being chewed out over a series of e-mails on my own goddamn birthday and then being called in to a come-to-Jesus type meeting with the boss, and I just...don't know. I'm trying to move past it and focus on my work, and I would never use my undiagnosed mental health issues as any kind of excuse, but it's hard to know what to say when your boss asks you "Why are you distracted at work?" and the only real answer is "Because that's how my depression manifests."
It's all just in my head anyway, right?
Work crap: basically, my boss sat me down for a lecture about not being on top of my shit, which I can't exactly argue with, and then point blank asked me if there was anything going on to explain why I've been absent-minded lately. And I just kinda froze up, because the truth is: I have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, because I've never spoken with anyone professional about it at all (which is because I'm very high-functional and have a lot of internalized embarrassment/hate to ask for help/etc etc etc), but I do have cycles of some form of depression, and I've been on a low swing for a few weeks now, and for me that manifests in a sort of...detached numbness, I guess is the best way to put it? It's hard for me to care about anything. And that means I'm...distracted. It's hard for me to focus on anything. The worst low swing I've ever dealt with was back when I was still in D.C., and at that point I was working at least two jobs at any given time and kept myself busy enough that it just looked like stress to outsiders, and frankly my stage management work was the only thing that made me feel even a little bit happy, so I was able to maintain focus enough that it never affected my job performance. (My other job, as receptionist, was so dull and easy that I could do it in my sleep, so lack of focus didn't make the slightest bit of difference -- as long as I greeted everyone with a smile, no one noticed.)
But right now I'm working only one job, which is generally only about 30 hours a week, and that I'm not really happy with anymore (enjoy working with kids, very frustrated with the office culture and politics), so I've been...slipping. Tech week aside, I'm not quite busy enough to keep the adrenaline flowing in a way that counteracts the depression, and I'm unhappy enough with some of the people I work with that my brain decides to avoid it by...well, avoiding thinking about it, which makes me just a little bit too sloppy and disengaged in the workplace and that leads to being chewed out over a series of e-mails on my own goddamn birthday and then being called in to a come-to-Jesus type meeting with the boss, and I just...don't know. I'm trying to move past it and focus on my work, and I would never use my undiagnosed mental health issues as any kind of excuse, but it's hard to know what to say when your boss asks you "Why are you distracted at work?" and the only real answer is "Because that's how my depression manifests."
It's all just in my head anyway, right?
no subject
Date: 2014-06-23 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-06-23 04:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-06-23 06:29 am (UTC)Please do get some help, you don't have to do it alone! Sometimes drugs can get you out of the pit, but it's hard to imagine that when you're in the bottom of it. *hugs* from me, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2014-06-23 11:00 am (UTC)It's your decision, of course, and I do get the internalised embarrassment/ hate to help thing, because I am very similar,but its my feeling that if your mental health is affecting your work, then it's probably time to speak to a doctor or a therapist.
no subject
Date: 2014-06-26 09:52 am (UTC)Just because it is all in your head does not mean that it is not real!
The feeling bad from getting told off at work is a real thing as well, however much you might feel that it was an understandable telling off, it still feels crappy.
Also, as I often have to tell myself, it is a mature adult thing to ask for help, to acknowledge weakness, to seek support.
Sometimes, though, I do say, "I've been unwell" rather than "depressed."
Does you work have any policies around mental health? Many workplaces here in Australia offer professional counselling.
*hugs*