sleepy hollow 2x12: paradise lost

[kaydeefalls]

Well, much like Franklinstein's Monster, we're back from the dead. Or from hiatus, whatever. Let's see how this poorly-stitched together corpse of a show kicks in the new year.

We begin with my favorite weird-ass camera angle, and also Ichabod and Abbie waking up in the woods, having defeated Moloch. Jenny and Katrina also awaken, and Ichabod has a tender moment with his wife for like half a second before she's already asking after their sort-of-maybe-slightly-less-evil-now son instead. But having defeated Moloch, Henry seems to have vanished himself.

Cut to six weeks later, where Ichabod is scoffing at organic fruit. I'm kinda with him on this one. He zooms in on a rotting apple -- obviously the sign of the devil -- and scares the bejesus out of a fruitmonger by questioning her on brimstone and demonic activity while brandishing a pocketknife. Abbie maneuvers her weirdo boyfriend away before anyone's organic body can get sliced up. She seems to think the war is won. Ichabod, however, has reached full Fox Mulder levels of obsessive paranoia -- his bulletin boards of paranormal activity have accumulated just about everything but the "I Want To Believe" poster. Abbie points out that maybe they've forgotten how to have lives outside of Witnessing. And by "they," she specifically means "just Ichabod." Apparently Ichabod and Katrina aren't on speaking terms these days. She got the house in the divorce (or trial separation, whatever), so he's sleeping in Apocalypse HQ surrounded by his creepy collages, which I'm sure is excellent for his mental health.

Abbie gives in to his woeful monologue about marital strife, and agrees to check out the farm that produced the wormy apple. Since no demonic fruit blights jump out to attack them, they indulge in some protracted exposition about the war against evil and how pleasantly distracting it can be from their real world problems. At least Abbie actually has relatable real world problems; Ichabod is still a time-traveling name-dropping Revolutionary War soldier with a witchy wife and demonic son. I kind of sympathize with his obsession, I guess. "Normal life" is pretty much out of the question for him.

Fortunately, just when it's getting real heavy, they overhear some satanic chanting and get to shoot at a few red-eyed demons. And then an angel shows up. I guess I should just be surprised it took the show this long to go there. He's got a spiky golden circlet of death, and takes out one of the demons with it while the other two bug out.

Meanwhile, Katrina is doing some chanting of her own, looking pretty satisfied with herself. She's definitely embracing modern clothing options better than her husband, having found herself a sexy new corset and black lacy top. With Abraham -- a.k.a. the no longer particularly frightening Horseman of Death -- chained up at her mercy, I'm getting some serious dominatrix vibes from this whole relationship. 50 Shades of Demonology, maybe? She's still trying to talk him into joining the Good Side.

The actual angel, Orion, is almost as skeptical of Team Witness as they are of him. Having never once met anyone playing for Heaven's team in this battle, I can't blame them. Apparently Orion had been held prisoner in Purgatory until Moloch's fall, at which point he made good his escape, and is now hunting all the baddies who bolted at the same time. Abbie's vaguely inclined to trust him, having a weird thing for scruffy white dudes with pseudo-British accents, but Ichabod points out that Lucifer used to be an angel, too. Then a text from Katrina calls him away. Jenny phones in next, looking fabulous in a black leather miniskirt. Once Abbie fills her in, Jenny decides to give Hawley a call to help her track the two remaining escaped demons. UGH WHY. Seriously, how many scruffy white dudes does this show need?

Abbie gives in to curiosity and asks Orion about God, who is apparently genderless. That's cool, I guess. When his answer is otherwise irritatingly vague, she starts quizzing him on the existence of Heaven, finer points of theology, and whether he's ever seen a dinosaur. Abbie definitely has her priorities straight, is all I'm saying. Orion reveals that he used to serve with the angelic host, but has since "broken ranks," so...the Lucifer comparison was probably fairly apt.

Katrina thinks she's found a way to separate Abraham from the Horseman of Death, and defends him a little too passionately for my or Ichabod's tastes. While she argues that the love she and Ichabod share could somehow turn Abraham human again, Orion tells Abbie that he's specifically here to destroy him. While I'm getting some skeevy vibes off our new angel buddy, I'm getting really tired of Abraham's whiny face, so am officially on Team Badass Angel for the moment.

Hawley interrupts Jenny's sexy night out, because he ruins everything always. He claims she can do better than the bartender. I don't dispute that, but if he's trying to put himself forward as the "better" option...yeah, no. He shows off some mystical Sumerian egg thing that I didn't pay attention to, and somehow sweet-talks Jenny out with him.

Speaking of uncomfortable flirting, Orion is now giving Abbie some kind of charm of protection and swearing to always come to her aid. "I always wanted a guardian angel," she admits. She leads him to Apocalypse HQ, where he macks on Katrina a bit while Abbie and Ichabod have an intense debate about saving Abraham vs. killing him. Orion then proves himself a true member of Team Witness by promptly spilling his entire history with and plan for killing the Horseman to Katrina. No one on this show is capable of resisting the urge to monologue. Katrina, of course, freaks out and runs directly to Abraham, begging him to allow her to try to transform him back into his mortal form. She makes him promise not to kill anybody if she lets him go, because that will definitely work. I'm not sure how she got sufficient head start on her teammates to enable Abraham's escape, but, you know, she did.

With the Horseman gone, everyone squabbles a bit and no one is happy with anyone else. Orion leaves his newfound mortal companions in a huff; the others eventually agree to split up to figure out what to do next.

Outside in the sunlight, because apparently they've been up together all night, Hawley and Jenny are still bickering about the egg thing whose significance escapes me. And then they switch gears to bicker about their sexual relationship instead, and then Hawley cracks the egg thing open to find a smaller, glowier egg thing inside. So apparently it enables him to have visions or something. I'm trying really, really hard to care. He sees the Horseman with the demons in the carriage house. This is starting to sound like a game of Clue.

Abbie calls on Orion with her new favorite piece of jewelry, and tells him where the Horseman is. Just that moment, Ichabod calls Abbie with intel that Orion is the worst guardian angel ever, in that he tends to be the harbinger of catastrophe rather than the preventer of it. She's sticking with the angel anyway. Upon Abbie's further not-terribly-subtle interrogation, Orion reveals that he's here to wipe out evil entirely, starting with the hearts of men. And he means that literally. By killing the Horseman of Death, he's going to assume his place, because he thinks he's totally suited to judge all humanity. So...this is why zealotry is never the answer, kids.

While Orion engages the Horseman with his Golden Frisbee of Angelic Vengeance, the demons from earlier go after Abbie and Ichabod. They scuffle for a bit, but ultimately the Clue championship goes to Abbie, in the barnyard, with the scythe! Also Orion monologues passionately while his Frisbee slowly embeds itself in Abraham's headless spine. Abbie jumps out to engage in a moral debate with the angel, while Ichabod sneaks in to steal the Horseman's axe. And also remove the Frisbee and save his life. Orion huffs off yet again, this time with wings, and the awkward truce between Witnesses and Horseman of Death gets way more awkward once there's no longer a common enemy to fight.

That's when Katrina conveniently shows up, and Ichabod hastily sweet-talks his best-friend-turned-mortal-enemy into holding off on murder for the moment. I really don't know why it works, but whatever, I guess Abraham's figured out that he'll get way more action with Katrina once he's been fully de-Horsed. He shouts them out of his carriage house. It's not terribly intimidating.

Back in the cabin, Ichabod has a long-overdue domestic tiff with his wife. It...maybe clears the air? A little? Except not? I dunno, nothing feels even remotely resolved to me, but he seems to feel better about it afterward. He immediately returns to Abbie to reaffirm the awesomeness of their bond instead. "Witness represent," he says primly. She grins and then, once he's gone, fondles her angelic pendant pensively. Gee, I wonder if Orion might not be gone for good. The foreshadowing on this show is so SUBTLE, guys.

Meanwhile, a shady-looking shoeless dude shuffles into a convenience store and guzzles some milk out of the carton. Imagine my shock at discovering that Frank Irving is, in fact, still alive. Ish. "Where am I?" he asks. "Is this Heaven or Hell?"

"Neither," the deadpan clerk replies. "It's Sleepy Hollow."

Preach.

Comments

[jadelennox]

at least Frank came back quickly, although I still maintain that his creepy apocalyptic visions mean that he's probably not working for Team Witness anymore. Not to mention he's not in possession of his own soul. But there's still Macey! HAS ABBIE BEEN PROTECTING MACEY? why has this question not been addressed?

I have to say I was yelling at the television when Abbie was looking at a black-clad, chakram-wielding, black-winged angel who said he "broke with the main host" or whatever, and didn't interpret that correctly.

I need Abraham to get de-horsed so Katrina can run off into the purgatory-set with him. So board of the cranewreck.

[kaydeefalls]

UGH WHERE IS MACEY THIS SEASON, EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH MACEY

"Cranewreck." I like it!