anywhere but here

[kaydeefalls]

So I did the thing where I randomly burst into tears in the bathroom this morning because I'm so unhappy with my life and feel like a failure for no reason and shit like that, but I'm not going to write up a long emo post about that. Instead, I'm going to channel my energies into getting the hell out of DC in the next six months, because while I realize that randomly relocating won't solve all my problems, I really need the psychological boost of a fresh start and getting the hell out of the rut I've fallen into here over the past few years. My goal is to live somewhere else by my 27th birthday in June. First step has been applying for stage management positions with just about every respectable summer theater I can find, which I've been doing. If any of those come through, that'll do me for a few months at least. But even if none of those pan out, I need to get the hell out of here. So! I've pretty much narrowed it down to three potential cities I could move to. Any and all advice on this would be more than helpful.


Seattle
Pros: workable cost of living, beautiful city, very active theater community, strong LGBTQ community
Cons: I don't know anyone who currently lives there, very far away from my closest support network (family/friends in NYC), have never actually visited before

Boston
Pros: workable cost of living, interesting city, decent cultural life, one of my closest friends lives there already, East Coast
Cons: not much of a theater community, haven't heard great things about public transit

San Francisco
Pros: beautiful city, I know a LOT of people who moved out there and love it, strong cultural life, awesome LGBTQ community, BART
Cons: HIGH cost of living, very far away from my support network, have spent some time out there and wasn't sure it was the best fit for my personality

Does anyone currently living in or have lived in any of those places have any advice/tips? OR, any other cities you'd like to recommend? My top priorities are: strong theater or other cultural community so that I can actually find a job, good public transit (high Walkscore), and not prohibitively high cost of living (i.e. NYC, where I grew up and don't intend to return to just yet). A decent LGBTQ community would be very nice as well. I'm temporarily ruling out Chicago on the basis of having already lived there for five years -- I want to find someplace NEW.

I know it's probably very stupid for me to leave DC -- where I have a steady paycheck and plenty of theater connections already -- but I've been forcing myself to take the practical choice for several years now, and it's just making me miserable. Every single day I have at least one moment of awful, creeping dread that this is all my life will ever be and I can never hope for anything else, and that's...really doing a number on my mental health. Washington is nice enough, but I definitely know I don't want to settle here, and I need to get out before I become so thoroughly entrenched in a depressed rut that I'm stuck forever.

Comments

[cesare]

I live in the SF Bay Area and I love it here. It's expensive, but less so if you're willing to live out of the city proper and BART in, and the various Bay Area cities have different atmospheres. (For that matter, different neighborhoods in SF itself can have very different characters, so if you weren't sure the city fit you, a different neighborhood might be the key.) I can't speak for the theater community but a friend of a friend is an actress and seems to have no trouble finding work. And we've been car-free for 7 years now. :-)

[kaydeefalls]

Yeah, I know a lot of people who love the Bay Area, and I don't disagree -- I'm really not sure what rubbed me the wrong way when I was out there (primarily in Berkeley). It may be a California vs. New York personality quirk, IDK. And the BART is fantastic, I'd definitely be willing to live in Oakland or Berkeley or whatnot instead of San Francisco proper. Thanks for the info!

[newredshoes]

I have a very strong bias against San Francisco and a stronger bias for Seattle and am neutral on Boston, but you do have some Seattle contacts -- Kenna is very involved at the ACT there, and I know some other people from the community I can connect you with. (Did you ever know David Guyton? He was in Sweet Time with me; he might know a little.)

Either way, I'd say Seattle is more than worth a visit! It's a beautiful, very livable place -- my sister's lived there since the early '90s, so I've been there quite a few times and have, in fleeting moments, considered it myself. (Also, so close to Vancouver!)

[kaydeefalls]

Heh, yeah, I am familiar with your anti-SF stance. :) I barely knew Kenna at all (Joel's ex, right?) and I don't know David, but yeah, I should at least visit Seattle, it sounds wonderful. :)

[newredshoes]

Yes! Kenna's awesome, and she always seems to know a lot about what's going on with the theater scene. (She talks about it some at pipistrellafelix.) I'm sure she'd be more than happy to talk about what that's like there. There's also theartisan7, who I met through BoB stuff -- we hung out when I was in Seattle last December, along with Kenna, and she just graduated from a theater program there. Let me know if you'd like me to email them and get you in touch!

[ignipes]

Oh, man, do I understand how this feels. I fantasize often about running away to Seattle, and if I could afford it, I would go in a second. (Besides the other reasons, on my pro list is the fact that it has both mountains and water. At the same time! I mean, real, respectable mountains. A volcano, even. We all have our priorities.)

But I've never actually lived any of those places, so no advice, just support and cheerleading for making plans to get out of a place that makes you miserable. *hugs*

[kaydeefalls]

Mountains and water! Exactly! It just sounds so pretty.

Thank you!*hugs*

[troisroyaumes]

Hmm...well, Boston > SF in terms of public transit, though Boston < NY. (Any U.S. city is going to be < NY, I suspect.) SF is livable without a car but there are neighborhoods and other areas of the Bay that are just very, very difficult to get to if you don't drive, much to my endless frustration.

If it helps, SF Bay Area has a large fannish contingent who share your fandoms (sahiya, starlady, epershand--and that's just the people I've met and gotten to know here). There's also a really good theater community (in my opinion as a theater-goer anyway?): Berkeley Rep, American Conservatory Theater, Cutting Ball Theater. There are areas that are much lower in cost of living compared to NY (Oakland, where I live, is not expensive, and there are neighborhoods in SF that are quite affordable if you're willing to be a bit removed from the city center). But Boston would be cheaper.

I think Boston is less urban/feels smaller than SF though they are roughly the same size. But I experienced more of a culture shock when I moved to the Bay Area. (Strangers making eye contact and starting conversations in line at the grocery store!) That might be less of an issue for you though since you already have experience living away from the East Coast.

I'm actually looking into Seattle as a potential place to apply for postdoc positions, so I will haunt your comments to see if anyone has anything to say about it.

[kaydeefalls]

Really, my two biggest arguments against the Bay Area are the cost of living and my own gut reaction to the place when I was out there years back. I just didn't feel like I fit there. Which, given how much people seem to love the area, sounds really dumb. But I'm slowly learning not to ignore my instincts on personal matters -- I don't want to exchange being miserable in DC for being miserable in SF, which is much farther from my support network. :/

Seattle sounds really fantastic, not gonna lie.

[troisroyaumes]

I don't think your instincts are wrong. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to life here and still feel really homesick for NY. Sadly, I don't really love it here; the only reason why I'm seriously considering staying in the area for a postdoc is that I've managed to build up a social support network here over the past few years, and those friendships have been really good for me even if the area itself hasn't been.

Anyway, I think the cost of living argument is surmountable, but if the place felt wrong to you when you visited, I think that's worth listening to.

[ex_lionpyh573]

I am from Seattle, ask me things!

Initial comments:
Public transport is extensive but slow – it is all buses. I did not feel the lack of a subway until I'd lived on the East Coast.
I… don't really know what 'the LGBTQ community' is like (I am a poor excuse for a queer) but the city as a whole is very relaxed, or at least jaded, about sexuality and gender – it's like NYC, you have to do something much more extravagant than just be a pair of ladies holding hands before anyone looks twice.
THERE IS SO MUCH DELICIOUS FOOD, some of it inexpensive.
The summers are exquisite, warm and dry and with a steady sea breeze. The other ten months (incl. June) are cold and dark with a kind of chill salt damp – the sort of climate that consumptives are always being told to move away from in novels. I know the lack of light is hard on some people.

[ex_lionpyh573]

Oh, and the library system is well-loved and indefatigable. They will go to the ends of the earth to find you the book (or movie! or music!) you want. INTERGALACTIC LOANS.

[kaydeefalls]

Ooh, thanks for the info!

but the city as a whole is very relaxed, or at least jaded, about sexuality and gender
That's mostly what I mean -- that the queer community is open and integrated enough that no one looks twice. :)

It does sound like a fantastic city...

[sophinisba]

I haven't lived in any of these cities but I have visited Seattle a fair amount and really love it there. I sometimes think I would love to live there, although I think the rain and cloudiness might get me down.

May I submit the Twin Cities for your consideration. I lived there for most of my adult life and would happily have stayed if work hadn't taken me away. Public transit is not awesome but the buses are pretty good and the lightrail is expanding. Not sure if this is relevant to your interests but there is also a very strong bike culture. My brother and his partner recently moved there from the Bay Area in part because of the strong arts community. This Wikipedia article on the arts in Minneapolis mentions that "The Twin Cities is second only to New York City in live theater per capita and is the third-largest theater market in the U.S." Wikipedia also says that gay/lesbian/bi folks make up about the same percentage of the population in Minneapolis as in Seattle, Atlanta, and Boston. (Lots of us in St. Paul also, though I don't know the numbers!)

That said, the winters can be very tough, and for some people that can be a mental health issue. Some people also say it's hard to make friends there. (I haven't really managed to make any friends since I moved away, so I can't say anything to that.)

[kaydeefalls]

Argh, see, the Twin Cities would totally be at the top of my list if it weren't for the winters. Because Minneapolis is SUCH a great theater town! But Chicago winters kind of destroyed my soul, and Minnesota's even worse, and I'm not sure I could handle it. (Winter is fine. Freezing cold is fine. Snow is fine. Temperatures not making it into the double digits for a month straight? DO NOT WANT.)

[msilverstar]

Would love to have you here in the SF Bay Area, but I think the competition for theatre jobs is pretty fierce :-(

But I do want to encourage you to move around now, you may find reasons to stay in one place in future.