kaydeefalls: rose/ten outside TARDIS, looking up into the sky (infinite possibilities)
hp wedding photo

And then a bunch of our friends showed up at our wedding in Harry Potter cosplay and it was awesome.
kaydeefalls: rose/ten outside TARDIS, looking up into the sky (infinite possibilities)
Dreamwidth informed me that my paid account is going to expire this week. Then it occurred to me to wonder how long it had been since I'd even looked at DW. Or LJ. Tumblr I hit up occasionally, because it's easier to spend a few minutes browsing pretty pictures than catching up on actual people's lives.

I missed signing up for both Festivids and Yuletide. I'm actually really bummed about missing the Yuletide deadline. I've participated every single year since its inception. I feel like a part of me has died somehow now.

I haven't written a word of fic since last year's Yuletide. I haven't poked at a vid since March. I haven't felt engaged with any fandom whatsoever in months and months, not even the ones I still care about (like MCU -- I am still watching the movies, at least, though I've dropped all the TV shows). I think it's related to my job, because I can pretty clearly trace the death of my inner creativity to starting this job almost two years ago. Which is a shitty thing to say, since I do like many aspects of my job, and it does engage that part of my brain pretty thoroughly. Just not in a fun way, and I'm starting to really resent the trade-off. I think I lost something pretty crucial to my sense of self, there, and I don't know how to reclaim it.

I'm not unhappy. In most ways, my life is actually going really great. And I wouldn't mind losing fandom so much if I were still feeling creatively fulfilled in other ways. I'm just...not. And it's hard to feel like I stepped out of a community and the door just sort of shut behind me and nobody really noticed or cared, but I know that's the self-pity talking.

On the plus side, I'm getting married apparently? Which is a bizarre concept. Basically a person said "HEY I LIKE YOU LET'S HANG OUT UNTIL ONE OF US DIES" and I was like "...sounds legit." So, you know, that's a thing. Fuck weddings, though, weddings are bullshit and stressful and I want nothing to do with them. We're just gonna throw a party on a mountain and hope people don't notice the part where we don't actually have any kind of public ceremony.

She likes reading my fanfiction. She's pretty pissed that I haven't written anything new lately, too. So the not-writing thing really isn't her fault.

I guess I'm gonna let the paid account expire quietly. It's not like I need the extra icons when I'm not posting anything. I'm gonna miss my custom mood theme, though.

Catch you later.

aw, crap

Jul. 14th, 2014 03:35 am
kaydeefalls: winter soldier holding cap's shield (winter soldier)
Uh...anyone want to beta about 5000 words of WWII-era Bucky/Steve fic? Not terribly angsty, as the pairing goes. No Winter Soldier spoilers apart from vague foreshadowing.

This is not one of the three WIPs I was supposed to be finishing, but, y'know, it happens.

In other news, I have survived another tech week, another show is open and running, and this was my first day entirely to myself in...um, a couple of weeks, I think, which is why I managed to actually finish a thing. I am kind of looking forward to my rapidly approaching annual unemployment, despite my need for a new job (or at least something to fill the four-month gap when my theater has no shows and I therefore have no job). I have accepted that August is a dead month for me, employment-wise. I could use the mental health vacation. And I would like to spend most of it finishing up these stupid WIPs.

(Also, those of you who commented re: the depression posts I made last month -- thank you for your kind words, and I am sorry that I never responded to those comments. I kind of can't make myself look at those posts right now. It's a thing. My awkward brain chemistry, let me show you it.)
kaydeefalls: chihiro/spirit sitting on train, text "and miles to go before i sleep" (miles to go)
So as of today, I am officially unemployed for four months. Huzzah. If anyone knows anyone in the NYC area who could use a stage manager/techie/temp admin from end of August through beginning of December, I will gladly pass them my resume. I've been browsing around the usual theater job sites for weeks, but the pickings are slim at the moment. Next week I'll apply to all the temp agencies I can find. At least I qualify for unemployment benefits. Yay.

I'm also getting on a plane tonight to spend the next week in Seattle. It's for a family reunion, and those plans were made before I found out that I was going to be unemployed, but hey, I could definitely use a change of scenery right now. I've definitely been feeling the depression creeping up the back of my brain for the past week or so -- it's been hard to focus on doing anything I enjoy, I desperately want to see people but simultaneously shrink back from communication, and all I want to do is sleep -- so here's hoping the vacation from normal life will stave that off a bit. I really, really don't do well when I'm bored. Bah. On the plus side, my social life in NYC is a VAST improvement over my lack thereof in D.C., so that helps a lot.

So...yay, Seattle! I have never been there before. This should be fun.
kaydeefalls: walking across the bridge, lincoln memorial at night (back to work)
So...I'm moving out in two weeks. \o/ \o/ \o/ Found a room in a lovely, chill, friendly apartment up in Washington Heights. The bedroom's significantly bigger than my current one, the apartment is eclectic in my sort of way, it's a little shabby and lived-in, but definitely clean without being sterile, thank fucking god. And one of the roommates has a completely adorable and hypoallergenic puppy! I've never lived with a dog before, so I was a bit wary when I saw the craigslist ad, but the puppy kinda won me over instantly. And he's not MY puppy, so it's not like I'm gonna have to walk him or anything, and I can always close my bedroom door.

It figured that when I'm on a tight deadline for moving, I can only find shit for weeks and wind up settling for the least-bad situation, but when I'm allowing myself as much time as I need and am only willing to move if I find the right place, I find it in a matter of days. Go figure. But seriously, the instant I walked into this place and met the roommates, it felt right. Which has happened to me before -- my apartment of almost 3 years in Arlington, I knew right away, and it was awesome; and the second round of roommate search at the end of my stay there, after seeing seven potential roommies who all seemed more or less okay, the eighth girl walked in and I knew immediately that she was the right one. Both of those gut feelings were totally accurate. Here's hoping the trend continues.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell the current roommate that this is my two weeks' notice. UGH I just don't want to have to deal with her at all. If she gets really pissy, I fully intend to pack a suitcase and live on my parents' couch again for the next two weeks, and just come back with a van for my stuff at the end of the month. Not that I honestly think it'll come to that, but I am prepared.
kaydeefalls: turnleft!rose is fierce in front of TARDIS: "further to fly" (further to fly)
So the Show From Hell closed a week ago, thank fuck, and then last week was kinda insane at my real! and now only! job, but this week is Thanksgiving, so while I have some office work to take care of, and then I'm heading up to the usual Big Family Shindig, I can...sort of relax? Ish? Point being, I can actually start thinking about my round of seasonal fandom challenges that I need to actually create at some point.

Secret Mutant -- I have an idea, and last night I made an outline and started writing. Hilariously, though I matched on three different pairing requests, the one I'm writing is the gen request. So yeah, no one will actually read this fic, but what the hell, the prompt really grabbed me so I'm going for it. I'm...not entirely sure how thrilled my recipient will be, because all of her other prompts were INCREDIBLY FLUFFY and even this one had a fluffy edge and, um, I don't really do fluff. Especially not in XMFC. But I do write fic with reasonably optimistic endings, at least, so hopefully that will suffice. (My original idea for this prompt was WAY BLEAKER than the new idea I settled on last night. So that's progress, right?)

Yuletide -- I committed my personal cardinal sin of Yuletide this year, and offered a fandom I'd already written for Yuletide before (because I didn't have enough fandoms that I actually wanted to write, and got desperate). So of course, of COURSE, that's the one I matched on. I mean, on the plus side, I'm already very familiar with the fandom, and though I offered "any" on characters, she specified...the character I always write about anyway. So it won't be hard to get back into that headspace at all. On the minus side, I kinda feel like I've already said all I have to say about this character, so coming up with something new and interesting to write fic about will be...challenging. Urg. I'm tabling that one until Secret Mutant is written (or until a random plotbunny strikes, whichever comes first).

Festivids -- of course I landed a recipient who put NO DETAILS WHATSOEVER in the requests and hasn't written a letter. So she has a list of six fandoms, and the only one I'm familiar with is the one we matched on. So that's all I've got. A source. Granted, it's a source I'm quite excited about vidding, but I have NO IDEA what she wants AT ALL. So this is a total shot in the dark. I spent an hour or so today trawling YouTube for an arrangement of the song I thought I'd use that felt right to me, but no luck -- all the versions I found (it's an old jazz standard) were either WAY too slow, or so hopped up and jazzy that it no longer suited the source. I can HEAR in my head how I'd like an arrangement of the song to go for this vid, but I can't find it in real life anywhere, so that idea's borked. But while searching through my iTunes for something else to use instead, I found...something else to use instead, that I can already see the vid so ver vividly in my head and it kinda makes me want to cry. So that's what I'm going for. It's a song I've seen (very good) vids for in a couple of different fandoms already, which makes me hesitant to use it, but I do think I'm going to be twisting it into something much darker and angstier than it seems on the surface, so hopefully interesting idea will trump overused song?

Other fandom -- I've been keeping up with Downton Abbey (which BROKE MY HEART) and Elementary, which I've been really really enjoying because I'm a total sucker for Holmes and Watson in any incarnation. Creatively, I'm still keeping Queen's Gambit shelved until inspiration returns (and probably until seasonal challenges are done with); I've got a Doctor Who vid bunny that's eating me alive but don't want to devote the time to it until I've GOT the time to focus on it, and a half-written post-series Ponds fic that I've been working on in fits and starts. But again, whenever I've got an actual deadline coming up, I feel guilty focusing on anything else creative until that's sorted.

I really missed fandom while my RL exploded, guys. I'm trying to come back now. And I've pretty much accepted that I'm just never going to have the headspace/energy to deal with responding to any comments that have gotten backlogged over the past few months. I HATE leaving comments unreplied-to. It makes me feel like such a shithead. But I've got to just...let that go right now.

I'm glad to be living in NYC again, I'm reaching out to my RL friends here again, I'm finally able to really dive into my job at the Kids' Theater Co. and I'm quite enjoying it despite the stress. So it's not been all bad, and I think it's getting better. I just need to find my life-fandom balance again.
kaydeefalls: toby&josh&donna, soaking wet, seeing the news on tv (bad news)
Well, it seems like everything is underwater, but I'm not, so...okay. My parents' apartment is two blocks from the Hudson River, but on high ground, so no flooding in my immediate area, but watching videos on the news of the parts of Manhattan that ARE underwater is seriously giving me the heebie-jeebies. WHY IS 23RD STREET A RIVER, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. We do still have power, fortunately -- I'm not sure if my own apartment does, but since it sounds like the subways won't be functional again until Wednesday at the very earliest, it's not like I'm going to be seeing my own apartment in the immediate future anyway. Fun times.

I'm safe and comfortable, though, so no real complaints. Although inhabiting a small one-bedroom apartment with one's parents when no one can leave the house is strangely not conducive to writing. Who'd a thunk it. I have watched an awful lot of television news today. My brain might explode.

Not much actual rain here. The wind is INTENSE. And we're only on the 12th floor -- I'd imagine it gets even freakier in the real high-rises.
kaydeefalls: toby&josh&donna, soaking wet, seeing the news on tv (bad news)
So NYC has shut down all public transit in breathless anticipation of hurricane. I do not say this accusingly; it makes sense to take precautions, and I'd honestly rather EPIC PREPAREDNESS and a storm that fizzles before it hits us to, y'know, New Orleans. I have willingly stranded myself in my parents' apartment in Manhattan rather than my own place in Brooklyn because 1. less likelihood of power going out for days on end, 2. easier access to essential services in the event the subway system remains nonfunctional for multiple days, and 3. my roommate's family live in an evacuation zone and are therefore evacuating into our apartment, and I really don't want to spend several days stuck in a not-very-large apartment with several complete strangers and their exceptionally large dog. Especially if power goes out and subways don't work. That's just a recipe for a roommate break-up, and it is far too early in our roommate relationship to withstand those conditions. Being stuck in an even smaller apartment with my parents might not be ideal, but I'm already accustomed to fighting with them, it's not like it will cause a drastic strain on our existing relationship.

I do miss my bed, though. I had not wanted to revisit this couch again so very soon after leaving it for a bed of my very own. Alas.

On the plus side, extended enforced inside time without much to do = maybe actually writing fic? Anything is possible!
kaydeefalls: chihiro/spirit sitting on train, text "and miles to go before i sleep" (miles to go)
Um. Hello? So I haven't posted in close to a month, haven't had a chance to check my dw-circle or lj-flist in close to a week, and I can't actually remember the last time I had time to have a look on tumblr. I have no idea what's been going on in fandom for a while. And I haven't had any time for writing or vidding or anything else, either, which makes me very sad, because I feel like some creative part of me must have shriveled up and died.

Basically, the production of Company I've been stage managing has been the most hellish and emotionally abusive rehearsal process I have ever endured -- the director was a purely toxic force of mismanagement and insecurity and outright obstruction of my ability to do my damn job, he treated the entire production staff and occasionally the actors like shit, and the producers did nothing constructive to step in and help until waaaay too late in the game, at which point they caused as many problems as they attempted to solve. Miraculously, the show itself is not a disaster -- the cast is great, the show looks fine, and while it's not a Great Production, it's good enough. We finally opened last night, and while I have no real confidence that the director will actually go away and leave us the fuck alone, at least the production has now become manageable. Seriously, I have never been in open battle with a director before in my life -- it runs counter to everything I've ever learned about stage management, not to mention my own personality, and I absolutely loathe confrontation -- but it's taken every ounce of energy and strength of will I possess to keep this fucking show afloat in the face of his utter horribleness as a human being. I've been in a very bad place emotionally for the past month. It's just been awful.

On top of that, I moved into a new place (in Brooklyn), which is nice enough for now. The bedroom is small but the apartment is quite nice, the neighborhood is decent, the landlord is awesome, and my roommate, though a bit anal about certain issues, is a perfectly nice person. And the rent is very cheap. I can't imagine that I'll live here for more than a year or so, but it suits what I need right now.

And I started the new job at the Kids' Theater (which I guess will be my shorthand for it on this journal), which has been stressful in a new-job sort of way, and I'm still anxious that I'll somehow be awful at it. But I really like all my coworkers and I'm hoping that I'll be able to manage the kids; my biggest issue so far has been my inability to really focus on my job there due to the dreadful time and energy suck that has been Company. It should be better now that we're open, but I just want this fucking show to be over so that I can have my life back.

Yesterday, while I was setting up for callbacks at the Kids' Theater, my dad called me to let me know that my grandmother is in the ICU. Her heart had stopped Friday night and though they resuscitated her then, she has requested they not do so again. No way of being sure when the end will come -- it's whenever she has another coughing attack or something like that, which could be a matter of hours or days, a week or so at most. I had to go straight from Kids' Theater to a final Company rehearsal, but when we released the cast for their dinner break before the show, I stole ten minutes to step outside and call her in the hospital. She was completely lucid and matter-of-fact about everything, chatted with me about what the situation was and that ninety-two years is too long of a life anyway but she's had a good one, and though she's never been the most affectionate of grandparents -- she's kind of a crusty old dame, and never had much use for kids, though she liked us well enough because we were her grandkids; her own children and grandchildren call her Dottie instead of Mom or Grandma -- she then spent like five or ten minutes reminiscing about that time she took me to a pumpkin patch when I was little without telling my parents about it, and the weeping willows at her old retirement community in New Jersey and how she'd smoke a cigarette while I played under them, and, god, saying goodbye to her left me a complete and utter wreck. I think I scared the shit out of the Company drummer when he happened to find me sobbing like a child on the sidewalk outside the stage door. So then I went inside and sobbed in a bathroom stall instead for a while, and then I washed my face and went back into the theater and ran a show. Still waiting on my dad's phone call with the final news. Could be today, could be tomorrow, could be next week. I'm not ready for it.

So that has been the rough summary of my sucktastic month. My LJ paid account lapsed and I'm not bothering to renew it, since the only thing I care about there is the icons I'm now losing. (Still checking flist for the handful of friends who haven't switched over to DW, of course, but that place is like a dead zone lately.) I'm dropping out of X-Men Big Bang; managed to sign up for Yuletide and Festivids despite have precisely zero interest in either, in the hopes that by December I'll have regained some kind of creative drive, and I need to remember to sign up for Secret Mutant before those sign-ups close. But I'm not really here right now.
kaydeefalls: chihiro/spirit sitting on train, text "and miles to go before i sleep" (miles to go)
I'm well into Company rehearsals now, which means I will be doing my best to title any and all posts over the run of the show with appropriate lyrics. Or inappropriate lyrics, as the case may be, as we discovered in music rehearsal yesterday that the version of the libretto MTI issued the cast contained the original 1970 lyrics to one particular song that are, um, incredibly offensive by 2012 standards. (Every revival since has updated that particular line to be less awful.)* But anyway. I'm having very, very mixed feelings about this production. On the one hand, the cast is fairly talented and the script and score are fantastic (duh, Sondheim) and I'm sure it'll be a good show. But there have been a lot of...behind the scenes difficulties already, and the director is kind of getting on my last nerve already, and believe me, less than a week into the process is WAY to early for that to be happening. This theater company is already displaying a STRONG resemblance to my Least Favorite DC Theatre, and just, ugh. Apparently any show I work on in the autumn is destined to make me miserable. But while I'm of course stressing out about it, I'm somehow...much less stressed than I was in this situation last year. I guess I have more confidence in my own abilities as stage manager or something, because while I'm irritated, I'm far less worried about the prospect of "failing" somehow. Like, I know this process is going to suck, but I also know I'll get through it and not make a fool of myself, because none of the problems that have been cropping up are in any way caused by me, and I've been rolling with the punches pretty damn well so far. So, yeah.

I've found an apartment! In Brooklyn, which I'm less thrilled with -- nothing against Brooklyn, just that it's a bit inconvenient to my life at the moment. But it will make my commute for Company WAY shorter, and I'm not way out in the far reaches or anything. The apartment itself is really quite nice -- smallish bedroom, but it's in a lovely townhouse and it's very well maintained and my roommate-to-be has lived there for ten years already, so I have a lot of confidence in the situation. She's also basically a clone of my favorite roommate from DC, personality-wise, which is awesome. And it's less than a five minute walk to the subway on an express line. The neighborhood itself is kind of lower-middle class, VERY diverse and family-oriented, so a bit shabby but very safe -- lots of grandmothers chatting on stoops and kids playing on the streets, which is so very stereotypically old-school Brooklyn. And the rent is...much, much cheaper than I was expecting to have to pay in NYC, which definitely makes up for the commute. I move in October 1. Here's hoping it works out.

And I've made it to the final interview stage for two different jobs, both as resident stage manager for children's theatre companies. I'm a HUGE fan of Theatre for Young Audiences and will rant at length about the importance of arts education for hours at a time, so either job would satisfy my inner bleeding-heart-liberal leanings far better than working in commercial theatre does. One pays significantly better (like twice the salary for roughly the same amount of hours per week), so realistically, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one; but the other does arguably more important work (within the NYC public school system), and their hours would enable me to pick up additional gigs in the evenings/weekends, which the first would not. So they both have their pros and cons. Of course, now I'm sure I've jinxed myself and will be rejected from both. We'll see.

I've been utter rubbish at keeping up with fandom lately -- well, I do read my flist/dw-circle regularly, but tumblr's been far more sporadic, and I haven't been working on anything creative at all. Once my life settles into a routine rather than a whirlwind, hopefully I'll be able to get back into a fannish mindset. I did watch the latest Doctor Who, which I felt entirely MEH about, and the new Downton Abbey, which I have not seen a single post about which DISPLEASES ME GREATLY because it made my heart go all a-flutter and Branson is my new favorite and why is no one else squeeing about this?

*The lyrics in question: in the original version -- "I could understand a person if it's not a person's bag / I could understand a person if a person was a fag"; now updated to "I could understand a person if he had to go away / I could understand a person if he happened to be gay." Oh, 1970. (The composer/lyricist who wrote it, Stephen Sondheim, is himself openly gay. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Mostly, oh, 1970.)
kaydeefalls: "you certainly know your trash," deasey said. (i know my trash)
Yup, I guess it's official. I managed to avoid the place for nine years, but I'm moving back to NYC. WEIRD. But I've accepted a gig stage managing for a little theater in Brooklyn (Company! ♥ ♥ ♥), so now I guess it's a done deal. Except I still need a day job of some kind that actually pays the rent, and also, y'know, a place to live that is not my parents' couch. (Also, holy fucking shit car insurance is WAY more expensive in NY state than in Virginia. That was a bit of a low blow, universe.)

SO. Internets, once again I turn to you in supplication. Does anyone know anyone who's looking for a roommate in New York City? Girls, guys, genderqueer, makes no difference to me. Any borough is fine as long as it's in easy walking distance to the subway. Financial limitations of my profession means I need something under $850/mo, preferably more like $700/mo if humanly possible. I've responded to a number of craigslist ads and gotten ZERO response back from anyone, which is bizarre and annoying -- maybe that's a New York thing, because when I went through this process in DC, I always at least got a response (even if it was just a "sorry, room's no longer available" e-mail). But yes. I'm clean, responsible, and very easygoing to live with. And I always pay bills on time, rent and otherwise. Looking to move in by Oct 1, earlier is also good (I start rehearsals Sept 15, so I'll definitely be ready to move by then), later possible for the right place. Also, and this is a huge dealbreaker, I am allergic to cats, and judging by craigslist, like 85% of New Yorkers seem to own a cat. Alas. But, yeah. Anyone know anyone?
kaydeefalls: turnleft!rose is fierce in front of TARDIS: "further to fly" (further to fly)
So I did the thing where I randomly burst into tears in the bathroom this morning because I'm so unhappy with my life and feel like a failure for no reason and shit like that, but I'm not going to write up a long emo post about that. Instead, I'm going to channel my energies into getting the hell out of DC in the next six months, because while I realize that randomly relocating won't solve all my problems, I really need the psychological boost of a fresh start and getting the hell out of the rut I've fallen into here over the past few years. My goal is to live somewhere else by my 27th birthday in June. First step has been applying for stage management positions with just about every respectable summer theater I can find, which I've been doing. If any of those come through, that'll do me for a few months at least. But even if none of those pan out, I need to get the hell out of here. So! I've pretty much narrowed it down to three potential cities I could move to. Any and all advice on this would be more than helpful.

Seattle, Boston, San Francisco. Others? )


kaydeefalls: blank with text: "white. a blank page or canvas. so many possibilities..." (Default)

September 2017

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