this is just to say
Oct. 26th, 2016 08:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Dreamwidth informed me that my paid account is going to expire this week. Then it occurred to me to wonder how long it had been since I'd even looked at DW. Or LJ. Tumblr I hit up occasionally, because it's easier to spend a few minutes browsing pretty pictures than catching up on actual people's lives.
I missed signing up for both Festivids and Yuletide. I'm actually really bummed about missing the Yuletide deadline. I've participated every single year since its inception. I feel like a part of me has died somehow now.
I haven't written a word of fic since last year's Yuletide. I haven't poked at a vid since March. I haven't felt engaged with any fandom whatsoever in months and months, not even the ones I still care about (like MCU -- I am still watching the movies, at least, though I've dropped all the TV shows). I think it's related to my job, because I can pretty clearly trace the death of my inner creativity to starting this job almost two years ago. Which is a shitty thing to say, since I do like many aspects of my job, and it does engage that part of my brain pretty thoroughly. Just not in a fun way, and I'm starting to really resent the trade-off. I think I lost something pretty crucial to my sense of self, there, and I don't know how to reclaim it.
I'm not unhappy. In most ways, my life is actually going really great. And I wouldn't mind losing fandom so much if I were still feeling creatively fulfilled in other ways. I'm just...not. And it's hard to feel like I stepped out of a community and the door just sort of shut behind me and nobody really noticed or cared, but I know that's the self-pity talking.
On the plus side, I'm getting married apparently? Which is a bizarre concept. Basically a person said "HEY I LIKE YOU LET'S HANG OUT UNTIL ONE OF US DIES" and I was like "...sounds legit." So, you know, that's a thing. Fuck weddings, though, weddings are bullshit and stressful and I want nothing to do with them. We're just gonna throw a party on a mountain and hope people don't notice the part where we don't actually have any kind of public ceremony.
She likes reading my fanfiction. She's pretty pissed that I haven't written anything new lately, too. So the not-writing thing really isn't her fault.
I guess I'm gonna let the paid account expire quietly. It's not like I need the extra icons when I'm not posting anything. I'm gonna miss my custom mood theme, though.
Catch you later.
I missed signing up for both Festivids and Yuletide. I'm actually really bummed about missing the Yuletide deadline. I've participated every single year since its inception. I feel like a part of me has died somehow now.
I haven't written a word of fic since last year's Yuletide. I haven't poked at a vid since March. I haven't felt engaged with any fandom whatsoever in months and months, not even the ones I still care about (like MCU -- I am still watching the movies, at least, though I've dropped all the TV shows). I think it's related to my job, because I can pretty clearly trace the death of my inner creativity to starting this job almost two years ago. Which is a shitty thing to say, since I do like many aspects of my job, and it does engage that part of my brain pretty thoroughly. Just not in a fun way, and I'm starting to really resent the trade-off. I think I lost something pretty crucial to my sense of self, there, and I don't know how to reclaim it.
I'm not unhappy. In most ways, my life is actually going really great. And I wouldn't mind losing fandom so much if I were still feeling creatively fulfilled in other ways. I'm just...not. And it's hard to feel like I stepped out of a community and the door just sort of shut behind me and nobody really noticed or cared, but I know that's the self-pity talking.
On the plus side, I'm getting married apparently? Which is a bizarre concept. Basically a person said "HEY I LIKE YOU LET'S HANG OUT UNTIL ONE OF US DIES" and I was like "...sounds legit." So, you know, that's a thing. Fuck weddings, though, weddings are bullshit and stressful and I want nothing to do with them. We're just gonna throw a party on a mountain and hope people don't notice the part where we don't actually have any kind of public ceremony.
She likes reading my fanfiction. She's pretty pissed that I haven't written anything new lately, too. So the not-writing thing really isn't her fault.
I guess I'm gonna let the paid account expire quietly. It's not like I need the extra icons when I'm not posting anything. I'm gonna miss my custom mood theme, though.
Catch you later.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 01:45 am (UTC)Things go in cycles. AO3 will still be here when you come back.
Also, congratulations on your impending wedding!
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 02:35 am (UTC)I just started a new job recently, and I know what you mean re: finding work thoroughly engaging brain bandwidth that otherwise would be fueling fic stuff. So far I'm getting around it by taking an evening art class + doing a weekly moment practice (swapping my medium, so to speak, to creative stuff utterly unrelated to types of things I do at work).
Anyway, congrats on your impending marriage and general state of partnership! It would be a delight to see you around here on DW when you've time / words more often.
And as far as Yuletide goes: why not do a drabble or two for Madness? That you participate, rather than how you participate, seems to be the key thing, at least as I see it.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 07:28 pm (UTC)Seconded.
I haven't signed up in a while, but always managed a treat or two, until last year. I was pretty bummed that I'd broken my streak of participation, but, well, the reasons were demanding at the time. I hope to crank out some Yuletide fun this year -- looking forward to it rather a lot, actually.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 08:12 am (UTC)Yay for good things. May they continue to be good!
I totally get you on the job taking the creative mind space and not giving back. May you also find things that provide you with that creating aspect of living!
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 04:02 pm (UTC)It was nice to hear from you.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-27 08:09 pm (UTC)And congrats on getting married.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-28 08:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-29 05:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-10-30 07:55 pm (UTC)And Mazel Tov on finding someone to throw a party with and hang out with until one of you dies! When you're 120 years old, as my parents used to say.