this is just to say

[kaydeefalls]

Dreamwidth informed me that my paid account is going to expire this week. Then it occurred to me to wonder how long it had been since I'd even looked at DW. Or LJ. Tumblr I hit up occasionally, because it's easier to spend a few minutes browsing pretty pictures than catching up on actual people's lives.

I missed signing up for both Festivids and Yuletide. I'm actually really bummed about missing the Yuletide deadline. I've participated every single year since its inception. I feel like a part of me has died somehow now.

I haven't written a word of fic since last year's Yuletide. I haven't poked at a vid since March. I haven't felt engaged with any fandom whatsoever in months and months, not even the ones I still care about (like MCU -- I am still watching the movies, at least, though I've dropped all the TV shows). I think it's related to my job, because I can pretty clearly trace the death of my inner creativity to starting this job almost two years ago. Which is a shitty thing to say, since I do like many aspects of my job, and it does engage that part of my brain pretty thoroughly. Just not in a fun way, and I'm starting to really resent the trade-off. I think I lost something pretty crucial to my sense of self, there, and I don't know how to reclaim it.

I'm not unhappy. In most ways, my life is actually going really great. And I wouldn't mind losing fandom so much if I were still feeling creatively fulfilled in other ways. I'm just...not. And it's hard to feel like I stepped out of a community and the door just sort of shut behind me and nobody really noticed or cared, but I know that's the self-pity talking.

On the plus side, I'm getting married apparently? Which is a bizarre concept. Basically a person said "HEY I LIKE YOU LET'S HANG OUT UNTIL ONE OF US DIES" and I was like "...sounds legit." So, you know, that's a thing. Fuck weddings, though, weddings are bullshit and stressful and I want nothing to do with them. We're just gonna throw a party on a mountain and hope people don't notice the part where we don't actually have any kind of public ceremony.

She likes reading my fanfiction. She's pretty pissed that I haven't written anything new lately, too. So the not-writing thing really isn't her fault.

I guess I'm gonna let the paid account expire quietly. It's not like I need the extra icons when I'm not posting anything. I'm gonna miss my custom mood theme, though.

Catch you later.

Comments

[rabid_bookwyrm]

Something of yours actually came up on Pinboard's Fandom popular links the other day - that's usually new work, but old fic sometimes gets rediscovered or rec'd somewhere and a whole ton of new bookmarks hit on it all at once. It wasn't one of my fandoms, so I didn't click through, but you're still out there.

Things go in cycles. AO3 will still be here when you come back.

Also, congratulations on your impending wedding!

[musesfool]

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding!

[jjhunter]

Oh wow, wonderful to hear from you! Some of your fic is on my short list of stuff I periodically reread; if you never write more than those, they are still gifts that keep on giving, in my experience (though I would be super thrilled if you do pick up writing fic again at some point).

I just started a new job recently, and I know what you mean re: finding work thoroughly engaging brain bandwidth that otherwise would be fueling fic stuff. So far I'm getting around it by taking an evening art class + doing a weekly moment practice (swapping my medium, so to speak, to creative stuff utterly unrelated to types of things I do at work).

Anyway, congrats on your impending marriage and general state of partnership! It would be a delight to see you around here on DW when you've time / words more often.

And as far as Yuletide goes: why not do a drabble or two for Madness? That you participate, rather than how you participate, seems to be the key thing, at least as I see it.

[king_touchy]

That you participate, rather than how you participate, seems to be the key thing, at least as I see it.

Seconded.

I haven't signed up in a while, but always managed a treat or two, until last year. I was pretty bummed that I'd broken my streak of participation, but, well, the reasons were demanding at the time. I hope to crank out some Yuletide fun this year -- looking forward to it rather a lot, actually.

[lilacsigil]

Congratulations on the impending legally wed thing! She sounds like an awesome person just from this description.

[raine]

Congrats on getting married!

[secondsilk]

Hello!

Yay for good things. May they continue to be good!

I totally get you on the job taking the creative mind space and not giving back. May you also find things that provide you with that creating aspect of living!

[cadenzamuse]

Congrats and best wishes on your upcoming marriage!

It was nice to hear from you.

[princessofgeeks]

It's great to hear from you. And congratulations!

[dhampyresa]

I've missed you!

And congrats on getting married.

[eyebrowofdoom]

Congrats on the wedding-not-wedding :)

[raincitygirl]

Congratulations!!!! Good luck on getting through all the wedding insanity.

[jadelennox]

Well, I'm glad to see you here. I missed the YT deadline, too; I was thinking of writing a gift fic.

And Mazel Tov on finding someone to throw a party with and hang out with until one of you dies! When you're 120 years old, as my parents used to say.