it's a magical world

The ex is in town tonight/tomorrow. Spent the evening hanging out with him, eating pizza and watching Heroes. First time I've seen him since August, or since we officially broke up in September. It was way less awkward than I'd expected. So that's good.

Part of me still misses him, but really, now I know for sure that I'm happier without him. Which in itself kind of hurts to realize, but yeah. I like being single. I miss the intimacy sometimes, but I like having control over my own time, I like not having to plan my life around someone else, I like having my space all to myself. I'm willing to give up some of that independence for someone I'm in love with, but not him, and not now. I guess I'm kind of a hermit at heart. I do better alone.

If being generally more content means a bit of loneliness every now and then, I'm kind of okay with that. For a little while, at least. And really, towards the end there, I was just as lonely when I was with him as when I was actually alone.

So I totally just got criticized by a couple of police officers. I was walking back to my apartment from campus, and I was calling my boyfriend as I walked. A cop car pulls up alongside of me, and honks. At first, I didn't even realize they were honking at me, because, um, I was on the sidewalk, not trying to cross the street or anything, and not doing anything worthy of being honked at. Then they honked again, and I looked over, and they beckoned to me, so I walked over. And got reamed out because I was walking alone in a dangerous area at night on my cell phone not paying any attention to the world around me.

Um, thanks for caring? I live here. I know it's not the safest neighborhood ever, but it's not exactly the slums. I'm still technically on campus, on a large, very well-lit street, at twilight. I know this route very well. I'm aware of my surroundings. I'm always aware. I grew up in fucking Manhattan, where I made a habit of wandering around downtown alone at night. I'm not saying I could never be mugged, because of course it could happen, and I'm always aware of that possibility, and I pay attention to the world around me because of that constant mild anxiety. Yes, I was on my cell, because I get shitty reception in my apartment and it's easier to make calls outside, but that doesn't mean I'm completely oblivious. I wasn't even crossing a street! And again, this is a wide, well-lit avenue, still on campus, with emergency phones every half block. This is not some dark alleyway. It's very much out in the open. There aren't even bushes for ruthless sex offenders to be hiding behind.

I know they meant well, but they made me feel stupid and incompetent just for walking home, and that puts me in a really shitty mood.

Also, I had made plans to go out to dinner with the boyfriend tonight, and said I'd call him when I was done with theater stuff. (Suzan-Lori Parks just did a Q&A on our campus, it was awesome.) So of course, I call him, and he's like: "Did we make plans? I already ate. I'm watching a movie with my roommate and his friends. See ya later." So I kinda want to kill him now, because the whole reason I was holding off on dinner until after the show was because we were going out, and I'm hungry and pissed and suddenly bereft of evening plans and cops just yelled at me. BAH I say.

Due to snow in Chicago, the boyfriend's flight was cancelled. He's hopefully going to be able to fly out here tomorrow instead.

Weather, I begrudge you every last second of the additional twenty-four hours of ME NOT BEING WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

Just because it makes me slightly less mopeful on the RL front. And because as long as I'm going to keep whining about being thousands of miles away from the boyfriend, you all may as well know who I'm talking about.

( a pic of kaydee + the boyfriend )

Had a bit of a spat with the boyfriend yesterday evening, which resulted in me heading off downtown to see Kingdom of Heaven alone. Once my general pissed-off-ness cooled down, I had quite a nice night. It was like being single again. Two guys waiting at the bus stop started chatting me up and flirting, and I enjoyed it a lot more than I should have. I chatted and flirted right back until they got off the bus. It felt...nice. And then I took a long walk up Michigan Avenue, and it was a gorgeous night. And the movie was fun -- not great, but worth watching, and Orlando was a lovely piece of eye candy. After the movie, I sang to myself in the bus stop until the bus came to take me back to campus.

Last night was very reassuring, in a way. That I can go out and have a good time without the boyfriend. Maybe next year won't be so bad, with me in Ireland and him still in Chicago.

It also makes me wonder if we should break up when I leave. I mean, I love him, but it was just so nice to be able to flirt again, and I don't want to feel guilty or tied down when I don't see him for months on end. I'm still young. I'm not ready to commit to one relationship for the rest of my life. But at the same time, why break off a good thing? Bah.

Haven't been much with the updating lately. Such is the mudane boringness of my life right now.

Yesterday through early this afternoon was absolutely hellish. Apparently the down side to being in a loving, [relatively] long-lasting, committed relationship is that when things go wrong, they REALLY go wrong becuase holy shit we really know how to hurt each other in the worst possible ways. Huh. Who knew. It's pretty much worked out now, although there will probably be aftershocks for several more days, but gah that was a painful ordeal.

Fuck RL. Would rather live vicariously through pretty boys and werewolves having sex and then dying in really tragic ways involving archways and mysterious veils.

Saw Day After Tomorrow yesterday. It was the ideal disaster flick: cool CGI, pretty boy (coughJakeGyllenhaalcough), moderately interesting and amusing supporting characters (Ian Holm!), and plenty of scientific inaccuracies and cheesy lines to make fun of. All in all, a thoroughly entertaining movie. Although I do hate watching my hometown being destroyed in every single disaster movie EVER.

The Boyfriend and I have been having a series of minor spats over the past week or so, of increasing frequency. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Nothing serious, anyway, and mainly because we're both stressed out about other things and not quite ready to deal with the fact that school ends in two weeks and then we won't see each other again for more than a month. Blah blah personal issues blah blah blah. Okay, done now.